Neglect

I am a neglectful blogger.  Last time I updated you I was only 14 weeks along.  I will be 39 weeks tomorrow.  That is 25 weeks of neglecting.  I am sure sorry about that.  Here is a little update on our little bean.
 
First off, bean changed to beanA, when we found out we were having a little girl.  I have wanted my first to be both a boy and a girl for very different reasons.  It took me a little while to fully accept that we were actually having a girl, but once that happened I was so excited.  I have such a great relationship with my mom, and am excited that no matter what happens in our plans to have more children, I will get to raise a daughter.  To me that is a priceless gift.

This pregnancy is so completely different than I ever expected it to be.  I had no idea it would be so hard.  Each trimester brought on its own hardships.  Even thought I was beyond grateful for the gift I had been given to actually be pregnant, it was still hard, and I think it is ok that I felt that way.  I have a new respect for all pregnant women, infertile or not.  What a wonderful gift we give our children in bringing them into the world.


This pregnancy has also been full of fears.  You can put a baby inside a RPL patient, but you can't take the fears of loss out of the pregnant women.  I have been certain my entire pregnancy that something will happen to take this away from me.  I asked my Dr. to stitch me up for incompetent cervix.  I had nightmares she was going to be born with a heart defect and not be able to live outside the womb.  I am still scared every day that I will end up delivering her still born.  I just need to actually hold her in my arms so I can fully believe that all my dreaming a wishing is actually coming true.  I am sure a whole new kind of fear will come once she is out. 


I have to say that the medical care we chose for this journey was exactly what we needed.  If any of you are struggling with RPL, please check with MFM clinics to see if there is a RPL specialist.  They understand all the fears that come with those who have have dealt with loss.  There were times I was freaking out about a weird pain and they assured me everything was normal, but had me come in for an ultrasound just for my own sanity.  We have been spoiled with pictures of our little girl, but each on of those pictures gave me so much piece of mind. 


Even though I have been so neglectful, I have thought about this blog and the people I met through it often.  I read some heartbreaking stories, and stories that gave me hope.  I was filled with words of kindness when I was heartbroken, and advice when I was confused.  But the only way for me to get through this pregnancy without the guilt of success and even more fear it would be taken away was to take a step back and find different support to cling to.  For me it was my husband and my Dr.  Some may be able to continue to find it through blogging, but for me it was to hard to read of BFN, when I had a BFP.  Stories of utter heartbreak from more and more loss scared me to the core.  I had to act like a normal pregnant women without a care in the world.  It was the only way that worked best for me.


As my journey to baby number 1 is coming to an end (hopefully any day now), I feel the same way about this blog.  It has a very special place in my heart and is somewhere I know I can always come to find support and friendship.  I plan on updating once our little Beana joins our family, but then I plan on letting it rest until we try for baby 2.  I may check back to see how all of you are doing, but I don't want my new addition to add pain to anyone else. 


Thank you for the continued support, even though I was so neglectful.  I hope all of you find success in however you are trying!


XOXO,


Baby Hungry

MFM Appointment Wrap-Up

We had our follow up appointment with the MFM RPL Dr. (That is a lot of letters!! I feel like I am speaking in code...) on Tuesday afternoon.  I really really like him.  He is very good at letting you know what his professional opinion is, but is also very good at listening to you and letting you have an active voice in the plan. 

We started by talking about my negative workup and what that ment.  I told him that I was bummed that it didn't show anything and that there wasn't anything for us to fix.  He completely understood where I was coming from and helped me understand why a negative workup was a good thing.  The thing that ment the most to me though was the fact that even thought all my testing didn't show anything wrong, he still told me that something is.  He didn't just dismiss my miscarriages as random.  He just said that whatever is wrong isn't something we can detect, but that he strongly believes that I will go on to have a successful pregnancy.  He is all about putting the positive vibe out there and wants me to do the same. 

Then we talked about options.  He told me that in cases like mine the most common treatments are Heparin/Low Dose Aspirin or Progesterone.  There have been no studies done that give credibility to these two practices and he personally doesn't feel like they make a difference, but he is happy to try either if I feel like I want to.  There was a study published about 2 weeks ago that showed Heparin/Low Dose Aspirin doesn't change the outcome in MPL patients, so he feels like that would be a waste.  I was taking LDA with my last pregnancy, and it didn't work for me so I don't care to try it again.  I think I am going to go with the Progesterone option though.  In his eyes it might not make a difference, but what if it does?  I would rather be safe then sorry, and I feel like I need to do something different if I was a different outcome. 

We were given the go ahead to try again this coming cycle.  I am in the middle of taking my provera and so as soon as AF comes we are good to go.  I have been taking 50mg of Clomid on CD 5-9.  He wants me to try 25mg on CD 3-7.  His reasoning for wanting me to lower to does is so I have a lower chance of multiples.  I understand his consern, but if something isn't broken, don't fix it.  50mg has worked twice for me, so I don't want to mess with it.  We agreed that I would try 1 cycle on the 25mg, and if I don't get a positive ovulation then I am going back to my 50mg.  If and when I get prego, he will do weekly monitoring to make sure everything is going ok, and if it doesn't, we will be able to learn more.  

Overall, I feel excited to be at the beginning of the journey again.  I am hopeful that the 3rd time will be the charm.  I feel like I am in the right place with this Dr. and it has given me extra hope and peace. 

If you read this entire long and boring post you deserve a treat!  Go eat a cookie...the calories won't count!!

1:45 PM MST

+
Tomorrow
+
Sonohysterogram
=
me freaking out just a little bit!

Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Part of me hopes that everything is perfect in there, and part of me hopes there is a very easily fixable problem so I know why I keep losing my babies.

The mind of a multiple pregnancy loss-er = CRAZY!!

I'll make sure and tell him to check for mold!!

Check, Check, and Check!

I did it! I achieved all 3 of my goals!! Wahoo!

What a relief! I was so so nervous driving to my appointment, but felt completely at ease with my Dr. He was good at listening to my questions and the things I was scared about. He made me feel much more at ease about the situation I am in, but also didn't dismiss how scared and frustrated I am.

Plan of action for now; a truckload of blood work and a Sonohysterogram.

Truckload of blood work: NOT FUN!! I have terrible veins. It took 4 sticks (3 in my hands), two blown veins, and 1.5 hours to fill my 9 tubes of blood. The girl taking my blood told me she had 3 miscarriages before her successful pregnancy with twins. I really like hearing about those who have overcome recurrent pregnancy loss. I still have 2 more tests to give blood for, so hopefully I will have better luck next time.

Sonohysterogram: I need to wait a couple of weeks to start pro vera to force period and then schedule test for the day I stop bleeding. I am nervous for this test. Anyone?

Overall, I am very happy about how things went, other then the bruises rapidly showing on my hands. I feel so good about my decision to go to this Dr. and really feel like I am in the right place for me. Thanks for all your well wishes!

Simple Goals

I have 2 main goals for today's appointment.

1. Don't push any pregnant women down. It is not their fault I can't stay pregnant.
2. Do not have a complete emotional breakdown. I just need to keep it together until I get safely back in my car.

and my other goal:

3. Get answers and come up with a plan so I can hopefully not do this again.

I will let you know how it goes!

BooHoo!

BFN today.

I am slightly bummed but also realise that it could just be too early. With my last pregnancy I took a test on Sunday morning that came back negative, and then the test Friday morning was positive.

Still keeping my fingers crossed on this cycle. Baby on 10.10.10!

Swallowing Hope

I picked up my prescription of Clo mid on CD1 and hung it on my fridge. When I walked past it for the next 5 days I made me excited just to look at it. There was all my Hope for the future in one tiny zip lock bag.

I awaited the day when I could finally take a piece of that Hope, swallow it with a tall glass of water, and let it fill my heart. Each day I took another pill and that hope grew and grew inside of me.

I have finished all my pills, but that empty zip lock with my name on it remains on the fridge. As I walk past it each day I am now reminded of the Hope that fills my heart to capacity.

I feel like I have a secret inside of me that I want to shout from the Mountain tops..."Hey everyone! Look at me! I am going to make a baby this month!"

I await the day when that Hope turns to happiness with a positive pregnancy test and then when that happiness turns to overwhelming joy with a baby in my arms.

For now, I will take the Hope. It is more then I could ask for.

Sunshine During a Blizzard

I drove to the Dr. during a complete blizzard. Snow coming down so hard I cold barley see. And that is pretty much how I felt inside. I was a mess. I had been doing ok, until I got an email from a very good friend telling me that she was six weeks pregnant with her 5th child. Bad timing.

I took the book that I currently can't put down and read it while I waited. I had a nice long wait, but today that was a good thing. I was able to get pretty lost in book world and stayed clam and collected with all the bellies around me.

When my Dr. came in she put her hand on mine and just said she was so sorry. Of course that made me break down a little but I told her if I could get though this appointment without crying I would be doing great.

She asked all the facts...who, what, where, when, how... Those were easy to answer. Facts are cold and direct. I asked my questions. Those answers weren't so direct. Too much unknown to be straight facts.

Since this is my first miscarriage, not much is really done to figure out why. It takes 2 or more before they consider it recurrent miscarriage and research as to why. This is frustrating to me because even though it is common and random, it was and is so personal and such a big deal to me.

Medical TTC break until January. This seems so far away, but I know it will help me heal both physically and emotionally. She asked me what I wanted to do as far as birth control until then, and I thought to myself "have you not been my Dr. for the last 2 years...I don't get pregnant easy, I am not doing any form of birth control!" We decided on either condoms or the "pull out method. Clo mid will start again in January.

She talked to me about the EAG eR study. It looks at the effects of low dose aspirin in improving pregnancy outcomes. I am interested at looking into it. Anyone have any advice or information on that? Anyone participated?

I came out of her office feeling like I had a plan and a purpose. I feel like I can start taking steps forward.

I walked out of the building and the blizzard had stopped. The sun was peaking through the clouds. I am going to be ok.

Tomorrow...

...I meet with my OBGYN for my "Post Miscarriage" appointment. I am really not excited for this.

First off, my Dr's office happens to be on the main floor of the hospitals Women's Tower which equals pregnant ladies EVERYWHERE, and babies and people bringing flowers and balloons and excitement in the air. It about kills me. There is only one time where I walked into that building happy and didn't cry my entire ride home, but then I miscarried the next day.

Secondly, I don't want to be an emotional wreck with my Dr. and then not get all my questions and concerns answered. I want to know what some of the reasons I could have miscarried are and what we can do in the future to try and prevent it. I want to know if we are going to go back to Clo mid or if she is going to want to see if being pregnant fixed my inability to ovulate and try ttc all natural again.

Third, I am worried she will tell me I can start trying right away...what if I am not ready. I am worried she will tell me I have to wait a couple of months...what if I am ready, and 3 more months without a baby is so hard to hear.

Lastly, I am afraid I don't know all the questions and concerns I have. I have never done this before and I feel like my grief has gotten in the way of some of my rational thinking. Please share your expertise.

Please hold my hand across cyber space tomorrow - 11:30 am MST.

XOXO!

Yahoo for a Negative

I finally got my BFN.

Yahoo for my body taking care of itself. I am so proud of it!

I am feeling a lot better now that the process is complete. It is easier to move forward AFTER losing my baby is complete rather than DURING the actual loss.

I have a peaceful feeling about trying again. I am still so scared, but but this new peace gives me courage.

I see my Dr. next week to talk about my next steps.

I will forever miss this baby. FOREVER. But I am happy to be able to look toward the future.

Coming Back

I feel like I am starting to breath again.

The cramping has stopped and the bleeding has slowed. The crying hang-over has faded, but the the hole in my heart still brings me to tears.

I fell more in love with my husband this weekend. He wouldn't leave my side for 2 days. My pain and heartache was his pain and heartache It is amazing what a trial will do to a relationship when you only have each other to cling to.

I am amazed by the support each one of you offered. Your kindness brought me to tears with every single comment. I feel blessed to associate with each of you. Thank you! In time, I hope to comment back to each one of you.

I am scared. I am scared to move forward and try again. I don't want another baby, I want this one. I am afraid to be excited about another BFP and then have it end in such a painful way. I am scared that I won't ever get another BFP.

Plan of Action

Dr. called this morning. She is very excited about my ovulation.

My plan of action is as follows:

CD40 - Take pregnancy test - This is on Friday, the day before we leave for Hawaii. I think a BFN wouldn't have an impact on my mood for the trip since I had already given up on this cycle and am not in any way expecting a positive.

If positive - scream and shout and celebrate
If negative - start Pro vera

If no bleeding occurs, repeat pregnancy test.

Once bleeding begins, start 50mg Clo mid on CD5-9. (While I originally wanted a higher dose, since ovulation did occur I am going to try and be a patient patient.)

Start OPK on CD20 this cycle, and don't stop them this time!

Have sex every other day this whole cycle just in case.

I really hope next time will do the trick!

Negative Nelly

This is not a happy post. I am in a bad mood....read with caution.

Just got off the phone with my Dr.'s nurse. They won't up my dose of Clo mid until they do one more progesterone test to make sure there was no ovulation. SERIOUSLY! I am mad. I feel like they aren't listening to me. My last level was a 1...a ONE! They are worried about up-ing my change for multiples by up-ing my Clo mid if this dose did make me ovulate but my point is that even if I did ovulate, it was a very weak ovulation and so up-ing the does is not going to kill me (I told my nurse my side of the story a little more eloquent then that). My nurse says she understands both sides, but that my Dr and the on call Doc are both saying the same thing so I have to pay for another stupid pointless test. Sorry about the vent session. I am just mad a frustrated and trying not to tear up at work.

And to think, I was having a great morning.

I promise to post about somthing I am greatful for before the end of the day....

Test Numbers

So I took your advice and called my Dr. for the actual numbers of my tests.

CD21 - 0.4 - Dr. said no ovulation
CD28 - 1 - Dr. said borderline ovulation and that she wants to repeat the test in another week.

I am feeling a little bit angry. After reading all your comments, 1 seems VERY low to me. Why does she feel I need to test again? I am worried that my insurance won't cover me taking 3 tests in a row and I really don't want to pay 200+ dollars for a test I don't think is very necessary. I told my nurse that on the phone and asked her to talk to my Dr. about skipping that test and my Dr. is out of town till the middle of next week. LOVELY! She is going to talk to the on call Dr. and let me know what to do. Grrrrr! I am so frustrated!

ps...I had a few new commenters to my blog this week, but I can't seem to link back to your blogs. Please leave me a comment with your blog address so I can read about your experiences.

Borderline My Eye

I just got off the phone with my Dr. and my Progesterone test from Sunday (CD28) came back as "borderline ovulation"...What the hell does that mean? Did I or didn't I? Shouldn't it be black or white...either there is an egg that can turn into a baby, or my tubes are empty yet again, it can't be simpler then that. Either way, I have to go back this Sunday to test again (CD35). Heaven help me!

Why Why Why?

I know it is important to have hope and to look for the positive, but right now I wish I didn't have any. I hate that even though I know I had NO ovulation this cycle I am still hoping that because I have been going pee more then usual that I might be pregnant. I am just setting myself up for letdown once CD1 comes. Why do I have to live in a fantasy land where you don't need an egg present to get prego? I am not looking forward to the hard dose of reality coming my way.

On a good note...I lost 3.5 lbs this week! YAY!

Call from the Dr

Our weekend was great! Perfect weather! I hope you all enjoyed your extra day off!

My Dr.'s office called today. My 21 day blood work showed no ovulation. They want to do another test on CD28 and then on CD35 if I haven't started my cycle then I will need to take a pregnancy test and if that is negative then I will go back to my good friend Pro vera and up Clom id to 100mg for cycle 2. I am really glad my Dr. is being thorough and not just throwing this cycle away, even though I already have in my head. I am also glad to wait until day 35 to start Pro vera because we are going to Hawaii in 3 weeks, and this timing will make it so I am not on my period or Clomid while we are gone. Oh happy day!

I am a little worried about bumping up to 100mg. My side effects weren't horrible with 50mg, but if my headache is twice as bad, I am not going to be able to function. What is your experience with a higher dose...are the side effects twice as bad for double the amount?

PS...Sorry all these posts are so boring. I want to get back to my Cycle of Letters. I have great things to say to DH's Sperm, the lining of my Uterus, and a couple of other ones. If only stupid old Ovaries would play along!

The Calm AFTER yesterday's storm.

I got a call from my Dr.'s office this morning and I am feeling a lot better. They are going to test me on Sunday and then depending on my results they will most likely put me on 100mg for Clom id Cycle 2. I talked to her about the Ovid rel and she said that I would have to be seeing an RE for that. Not what I wanted to hear, but I can respect that.

Overall, I am feeling a lot better today. I have come to terms with this cycle more. The only thing that I am having such a hard time with is that I am STILL seeing a faint line with every test. I don't feel like that faint line is going to turn into anything more, but I will keep testing until my Dr. puts me back on Pro vera to force my period that never comes on it's own.

I guess it is pretty hard to expect my body to go from NO ovulation at all, to a perfect ovulation and growing fetus all in one month. I don't break bad habits that fast, so I can't expect my dear ovaries to do the same. They may have won this battle, but they will not win the War! I will keep bugging them until they give me an egg or two!!

Off to our family cabin for a nice relaxing weekend. Hope you all have a good one too!

XOXO!

Just Call me Stupid

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. You are all much better support that people in RL.

A couple of you mentioned that I should ask my Dr. about Ovid rel to help induce an ovulation. I am confused because I thought that is what Clom id was doing. What is the difference? Those of you who have used Ovid rel, do you use it with Clom id, or in place of it?

I am a little worried about calling my Dr. because I had to beg her to give me Clom id. She is a very conservative Dr. and just wanted me to keep trying on my own. I tried getting into another OBGYN while I waited for my RE appointment, and all those appointments are even further out. I talked to my Dr.'s nurse about being monitored while I was on Clom id and she said they don't do that and I just needed to do it on my own and call them if I didn't ovulate and they would up the dose. Another friend told me that I really needed to have my blood taken on day 21 to see if that was the correct dose of Clom id for me (I guess you can be on the right dose, but it can still take a cycle or two to cause ovulation), but she couldn't remember what levels they test for. I want to call my Dr. and talk to her about all these things...blood test for Clom id, Ovid rel, a new dose of Clom id for next cycle but I feel like I am unsure of what to ask for. I hate waiting for Dr. appointments. I feel so stupid for waiting so long and trying to stick it out with my OBGYN. I feel like I am a mess and that I am never going to get out of this hole. My stupid RE appointment isn't until the end of November. AHHHH....

I am sorry this post is out of control. I am just freaking out. I feel like there is more monitoring and options that I want, but I can't find anyone to give them to me. Please send help!

***UPDATE*** I just got off the phone with my Dr.'s nurse. They are going to do the Progesterone test on CD21. I also told her to ask my Dr. about Ovid rel for my next cycle. Not feeling much better though.

About to Throw in the Towel...

...and give the win to the Ovaries.

CD18. No O yet. Still a faint second line.

Anyone out there still have hope for O this late in a Clom id cycle?

Yesterday when opening up to a RL friend her response when I said I still hadn't ovulated was "Well maybe you don't have any eggs. Have they tested that?" Thanks for the pep talk. It was super awesome!

Hope you are all having better luck them me.