Neglect

I am a neglectful blogger.  Last time I updated you I was only 14 weeks along.  I will be 39 weeks tomorrow.  That is 25 weeks of neglecting.  I am sure sorry about that.  Here is a little update on our little bean.
 
First off, bean changed to beanA, when we found out we were having a little girl.  I have wanted my first to be both a boy and a girl for very different reasons.  It took me a little while to fully accept that we were actually having a girl, but once that happened I was so excited.  I have such a great relationship with my mom, and am excited that no matter what happens in our plans to have more children, I will get to raise a daughter.  To me that is a priceless gift.

This pregnancy is so completely different than I ever expected it to be.  I had no idea it would be so hard.  Each trimester brought on its own hardships.  Even thought I was beyond grateful for the gift I had been given to actually be pregnant, it was still hard, and I think it is ok that I felt that way.  I have a new respect for all pregnant women, infertile or not.  What a wonderful gift we give our children in bringing them into the world.


This pregnancy has also been full of fears.  You can put a baby inside a RPL patient, but you can't take the fears of loss out of the pregnant women.  I have been certain my entire pregnancy that something will happen to take this away from me.  I asked my Dr. to stitch me up for incompetent cervix.  I had nightmares she was going to be born with a heart defect and not be able to live outside the womb.  I am still scared every day that I will end up delivering her still born.  I just need to actually hold her in my arms so I can fully believe that all my dreaming a wishing is actually coming true.  I am sure a whole new kind of fear will come once she is out. 


I have to say that the medical care we chose for this journey was exactly what we needed.  If any of you are struggling with RPL, please check with MFM clinics to see if there is a RPL specialist.  They understand all the fears that come with those who have have dealt with loss.  There were times I was freaking out about a weird pain and they assured me everything was normal, but had me come in for an ultrasound just for my own sanity.  We have been spoiled with pictures of our little girl, but each on of those pictures gave me so much piece of mind. 


Even though I have been so neglectful, I have thought about this blog and the people I met through it often.  I read some heartbreaking stories, and stories that gave me hope.  I was filled with words of kindness when I was heartbroken, and advice when I was confused.  But the only way for me to get through this pregnancy without the guilt of success and even more fear it would be taken away was to take a step back and find different support to cling to.  For me it was my husband and my Dr.  Some may be able to continue to find it through blogging, but for me it was to hard to read of BFN, when I had a BFP.  Stories of utter heartbreak from more and more loss scared me to the core.  I had to act like a normal pregnant women without a care in the world.  It was the only way that worked best for me.


As my journey to baby number 1 is coming to an end (hopefully any day now), I feel the same way about this blog.  It has a very special place in my heart and is somewhere I know I can always come to find support and friendship.  I plan on updating once our little Beana joins our family, but then I plan on letting it rest until we try for baby 2.  I may check back to see how all of you are doing, but I don't want my new addition to add pain to anyone else. 


Thank you for the continued support, even though I was so neglectful.  I hope all of you find success in however you are trying!


XOXO,


Baby Hungry

How did we get here??

14 weeks?!?  Really?  We made it to 14 weeks. 

I don't even know how to react to what is going on inside of me.  We have been so scared that this pregnancy would have the same fate as the others that we spent the fist 12 weeks making ourselves NOT get excited. 

Now that my Dr. has told us repeatedly that we are out of the woods, and walking farther and farther away from the woods every day, we are trying to convince ourselves that this really is happening and that it is time to get excited.  

One of the ways we are trying to get ourselves excited is to start telling people.  This has been really fun, but it is so weird to see people be so so excited and scream and jump when we haven't even done that.  It has really helped everything feel more real now that it isn't such a big secret. 

So how have we gotten to this point?  We started out with weekly ultrasounds starting on week 7.  We saw Beaner on week 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, and will on week 15 (we may find our if Beaner is a she or a he :)).  I have switched to every other week, and that last week is so hard.  I think if i could just feel it moving around I would be so much more at ease.

I do have so say that there is something much cooler then hearing a heartbeat.  For me it is seeing the baby move.  At our u/s on week 10, it finally looked more like a person then a blob.  I asked the u/s tech about what was what, and when she stopped moving and just held the u/s in one spot we saw Beaner wiggle.  It was almost as if it was saying "Hi mom and dad.  I'm in here.  Can't wait to meet you.  I love you!"  DH teared up at the sight of our baby moving.  It made it feel so real to see something alive and moving.

Each u/s after that we have seen Beaner move.  That is my favorite part.  Last week it was kicking and spinning and dancing up a storm.  My Dr. feels very very positive because of the movement that has been shown.  He says that a baby in distress doesn't move.  Even before the heart rate drops the baby would stop moving, and Beaner is moving up a storm!

I feel so blessed with everything that is happening.  I can't believe that we are getting closer to our dream with each passing day.  I know that this experience will make me a better mom and will help make me seldom take my children for granted.  I know there are still so many things that could go wrong and our dream could come crashing down again, but for now, I am trying to not think about that and instead relish in the fact that our baby is growing and kicking and getting ready to meet us in March.

Best of thoughts to everyone still working to this goal.  Please keep fighting because this joy is worth all the pain to get here!

Our Tiny Little Beaner

One of my DH's names for me is Bean.  I don't even know where it came from, but because I am Bean, our little one is Beaner.  He sends me a text everyday that says "Hi Bean and Beaner.  I love you guys!"

Today we heard and saw Beaner's heart.  It was PERFECT!!  It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard. 

Little Beaner is tiny, but a perfect size for the Dr.

We are hopeful today, but we are still taking it one day at a time.  Another ultrasound next week to make sure things are still going in the right direction.

***I promise to post pic's of Beaner once I get home from work***