Neglect

I am a neglectful blogger.  Last time I updated you I was only 14 weeks along.  I will be 39 weeks tomorrow.  That is 25 weeks of neglecting.  I am sure sorry about that.  Here is a little update on our little bean.
 
First off, bean changed to beanA, when we found out we were having a little girl.  I have wanted my first to be both a boy and a girl for very different reasons.  It took me a little while to fully accept that we were actually having a girl, but once that happened I was so excited.  I have such a great relationship with my mom, and am excited that no matter what happens in our plans to have more children, I will get to raise a daughter.  To me that is a priceless gift.

This pregnancy is so completely different than I ever expected it to be.  I had no idea it would be so hard.  Each trimester brought on its own hardships.  Even thought I was beyond grateful for the gift I had been given to actually be pregnant, it was still hard, and I think it is ok that I felt that way.  I have a new respect for all pregnant women, infertile or not.  What a wonderful gift we give our children in bringing them into the world.


This pregnancy has also been full of fears.  You can put a baby inside a RPL patient, but you can't take the fears of loss out of the pregnant women.  I have been certain my entire pregnancy that something will happen to take this away from me.  I asked my Dr. to stitch me up for incompetent cervix.  I had nightmares she was going to be born with a heart defect and not be able to live outside the womb.  I am still scared every day that I will end up delivering her still born.  I just need to actually hold her in my arms so I can fully believe that all my dreaming a wishing is actually coming true.  I am sure a whole new kind of fear will come once she is out. 


I have to say that the medical care we chose for this journey was exactly what we needed.  If any of you are struggling with RPL, please check with MFM clinics to see if there is a RPL specialist.  They understand all the fears that come with those who have have dealt with loss.  There were times I was freaking out about a weird pain and they assured me everything was normal, but had me come in for an ultrasound just for my own sanity.  We have been spoiled with pictures of our little girl, but each on of those pictures gave me so much piece of mind. 


Even though I have been so neglectful, I have thought about this blog and the people I met through it often.  I read some heartbreaking stories, and stories that gave me hope.  I was filled with words of kindness when I was heartbroken, and advice when I was confused.  But the only way for me to get through this pregnancy without the guilt of success and even more fear it would be taken away was to take a step back and find different support to cling to.  For me it was my husband and my Dr.  Some may be able to continue to find it through blogging, but for me it was to hard to read of BFN, when I had a BFP.  Stories of utter heartbreak from more and more loss scared me to the core.  I had to act like a normal pregnant women without a care in the world.  It was the only way that worked best for me.


As my journey to baby number 1 is coming to an end (hopefully any day now), I feel the same way about this blog.  It has a very special place in my heart and is somewhere I know I can always come to find support and friendship.  I plan on updating once our little Beana joins our family, but then I plan on letting it rest until we try for baby 2.  I may check back to see how all of you are doing, but I don't want my new addition to add pain to anyone else. 


Thank you for the continued support, even though I was so neglectful.  I hope all of you find success in however you are trying!


XOXO,


Baby Hungry

A Little Bit of Denial

That would explain my lack of blogging and reading.  I have been in a huge state of denial.  I am just trying to continue on as if I have everything I want in life.  No reason for this, I just think it is the stage of grief I am in. 

Here is a little update:

Job:  I didn't get the career job I was talking about in my last post.  I am ok with it.  It has made me feel really grateful about the job I do have an quit complaining about the pay.  I love having my Friday's off, and right now that it more important that any amount of money.  I am also really busy so my days go super fast.  
 
Life:  We went to California for a week, 2 weeks ago.  It was nice to relax and play in the sun.  We have been playing every weekend since the Memorial Day.  Cabins, California...you name it.  My house needs to be dusted and my garden has weeds taking over, but we have needed fun in our life so that is what we have done.  We are actually planning a trip to Japan for this fall.  We just need a timeshare hotel to open up for us. 
My veggie garden (that I started from seeds) is doing great.  It is so fun to watch something grow because of my love and care.  I will have to update "project creating life" soon.  I can't wait to eat the fruits (or veggies) of my labor!!
I have a dear friend with Ovarian Cancer.  She was diagnosed last May, fought and got a clean bill of health in December, and then it returned with a vengeance, March.  She is one strong fighter, but it isn't looking very good right now.  I am way to young to bury a best friend, so I am praying for a miracle.


TTC:  My friend had her baby today.  We would have been only a few weeks apart.  I should have a 3 week old right now.  I am heartbroken that she is holding a baby and I still have an empty womb.  The only comforting words people have to say to be is "it'll happen"  Really?? When? 
My last cycle ended in a BFN.  The good news with this cycle is that I did get a positive O and started the progesterone.  I am not a fan of sticking something up there each day, but you gotta do what you gotta do.  I also started AF all on my own.  That is BIG for me.  I haven't done that for 2.5 years.  Thank you Col mid!!   I am now just in my O2ww (this is where I wait for ovulation) then I will have my real 2ww.  I am on CD13 and have gotten +O around day 20-21.  One more week.  My mom thinks this is the one.  I really hope she is right!

I hope you are all doing well.  Congrats to any good news, and hugs to any bad.  Even in my absence I have been thinking and hoping for each one of you.  If I can work on this denial phase, I promise to be better.

To Career or not to Career...

How do I always get here?  Weeks without posting, feeling guilty about it, and having to try and remember everything to update.  Boo on me!

My latest dilemma...

I took a non design related position about a 6 weeks ago.  My unemployment was running out and the market for designers hadn't even started to go up.  In taking this job I took a 35% cut in pay.  This was not easy for me to do.  Once you work for a certain pay amount, it is hard to take less then that.  I have really been enjoying my job and find that my days go fast and the work is fun.  I also have Fridays off which is wonderful. 

On Friday I checked my email and had an email from a commercial furniture dealership saying that they were hiring another designer and wanted to meet with me.  I interviewed with them yesterday and am now waiting to hear.  I am so torn about this. 

Getting this job would put me back into my field, doing what I love and getting paid a lot better.  It would also take away wearing jeans to work and having Friday off.  It would also add pressure and overtime, but the pay would be MUCH better. 

I think the biggest hangup I have to this new position is that it feels more like a career.  I don't want a career, I want to be a mom.  I want to spend my days taking my kids to the park, seeing the animals at the zoo, playing in the snow, just savoring every mom moment.  Taking a "career" job some how makes me feel like I would be farther away from that goal. 

I know my success in having a baby doesn't matter where I am working.  I can leave one company just as easy as another.  I have tried to explain this feeling to my mom and husband, but they don't get it.  They can't see why I wouldn't be excited about a job that I like to do and that pays well. 

Am I just crazy or has anyone else felt this way?  I guess right now I don't want anything that feels farther away from my dream.  But dreams don't always come true....

Hi, My name is Baby Hungry...Incase you forgot!!

I realize that I have fallen off the face of the Earth.  Life has been a little crazy and blogging has had to be on the bottom of the list. I still love all of you and hope you are doing good. I will try and read about how you are all doing as I find time. For those of you who still even reading even though I am a bad bad blogger, here is an update:

IF Update:

Sonohystogram:  Not a fun experience at all, but I had gotten myself so scared and worked up that it was much better than I thought. The cramping was really intense once they started filling me with saline and looking around.  Everything looks really good. The lining and shape are normal. He also looked at my ovaries and there were plenty of eggs. It was really cool to see that and hear that I have lots of eggs waiting. The cramping stayed bad for about an hour or two and then slowly went away and I was totally fine the next day.
MFMD: Now that I have finished all my testing (all of which are normal :( ) I have an appointment to see my MFM Dr. for follow up on the 27th.  At this appointment we will talk about everything that my tests show and come up with a plan on how to move forward. I have been pretty bummed that all my tests came back normal. I really wanted there to be something to fix. Either way I will be glad when we come up with a plan. I keep telling myself that the 3rd time is the charm.
Project Creating Life: My plants are AMAZING!! Some never sprouted, but the ones that did are huge. I will take pictures tonight and post them asap.

Life Update:

Job:  I actually found one!! It is for a company that I used to do design work for. I have always loved this company and am excited to finally be working for them. I am a little sad that it isn’t in design anymore, but the change has been really fun. Too bad it is an almost 50% cut in pay to what I was making as a designer. Stupid economy!! Another plus should be more frequent blogging since I am at a computer all day.  :)
Marriage: My DH and I have had a hard time in the intimacy department of our marriage lately. I think that all the pressure to make a baby has really taken a toil. We are thinking of meeting with a counselor to see if they have any ideas and to talk about how we are feeling and why we might be having the problems. Anyone else have ideas on how to help with this problem?
Weight Loss: Back in January I posted that I had lost 8 lbs. Sadly, my miscarriage emotional eating caused those 8 pounds +3 more to come back. I really hate myself for letting that happen. We are going to the beach in 6 weeks so I am trying to work really hard to get back down. I have lost 5lbs so far and have 15 more to go to be at my ideal weight. I would like to be down at least 10 more for the beach.

Overall, I am doing pretty good. The weather is beautiful and I have lots of things to look forward to. I am excited to move forward in my quest to become a mom, and am keeping my fingers crossed that it will come and stick in the next few months!

Cheering Myself Up

Welcome ICLWers. I am excited for the ICLW since it has been a few months since I participated. Here is a little blurb so you know what is up over here are Baby Hungry.

We got our first BFP on Clo mid in September 2009 after ttc since January 2008. Our dreams came crashing down when we miscarried in October. I was 6.5 weeks along. February 2010 brought another BFP, followed quickly by miscarriage #2 at 4.5 weeks. I am currently trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and get some answers to why my body doesn't want to stay pregnant. Clo mid was my magic potion for getting prego, now I just need to find the magic elixir to keep that pregnancy for 9 months. I am meeting with a multiple pregnancy loss maternal fetal medicine Dr. for the first time on Tuesday.

An update for my faithful readers: I have been working night and day on cheering myself up. I have successfully kept myself busy enough to keep the crying to a minimum. Either that, or I am just in denial. Either way, here is what I have been cheering myself up with...

• hosting a Valentines day brunch for my mom and sisters
• buying myself flowers, and getting roses from my DH
• girls night
• reading reading reading
• movie: Valentines day
• shopping
• pedicure
• road trip to find the sun...we found it and it still exists
• movie: When in Rome
• eating treats, lots of treats (I really need to stop that!)
• making an appointment with MFM Dr., I'm really excited to get some answers and come up with a plan.
• did I mention I have been eating lots of treats??

I am doing much better with this miscarriage then I did with the last one. I think much of that is because my heart was guarded with this pregnancy and I didn't give the whole thing to it for fear of it being smashed into a million pieces again. I hope I can feel safe enough to give my whole heart to this dream, but right now I am trying to protect it. I thank you all for your kind words. I could really feel the love and support from you all. I hope I can pay it forward to those in need.

PS...Today is my birthday. Go out and eat come cake to celebrate since it is my favorite food! I know I will be!

Life Update

I feel horrible. I am being such a terrible blogger. I am not reading and not writing. It is frustrating me because when I am actively blogging I feel so much better and not alone. I wanted to do ICLW to get me back into the swing of things, but I realized that I just missed it so I think I am just going to post 6 comments a day on my own.

Here is a little update of what is happening in BabyHungry life:

I am still jobless...I was working as a commercial interior designer, and seeing as that line of work is not recession proof, I could be here a while. I did have a great interview last week so maybe that one will work out. If only they would call me back!

I am busy getting my house in the Valentine's spirit. I don't know if it is because my birthday is in February, or if I am just a hopeless romantic, but V-Day is my favorite holiday and always has been. I love the treats, candy, colors, hearts...I think it is such a happy holiday, even if you don't have a boy to share it with. I will have to post pictures of how crafty I have been.

One of my goals for January was to lose as much weight as possible before I got prego. 8-10 pounds was my goal since I have a total of 18 pounds to get to my goal weight. I have currently lost 8 so far! I am proud of myself and that I was actually able to make my body do something. My miscarriage did a number (of pounds) on my weight, so it is nice to be rid of those painful pounds.

With my late ovulation on my last cycle, my Dr. told me to start my OPK on CD20. We BDed every other day as much as we could during the beginning of my cycle just in case, and are still trying to continue. Today is CD24 and I still don't have a positive. I really hope it comes soon because that much BDing is really taking a toll on our intimate relationship. I can't wait for the "chore" of it to all be gone.

I decided on a "token" to help me remember my little one. Thank you all for your suggestions. I was also send the best token from sweet sweet Jenn. I took pictures and can't wait to show you all. I just have to get them off my camera. I will try and do that tonight or tomorrow.

Well, if you survived this whole update, I am impressed. You deserve a treat! I promise to update with shorter more frequent posts. Hope everyone is doing well. I will get back to reading about each one of you!