Neglect

I am a neglectful blogger.  Last time I updated you I was only 14 weeks along.  I will be 39 weeks tomorrow.  That is 25 weeks of neglecting.  I am sure sorry about that.  Here is a little update on our little bean.
 
First off, bean changed to beanA, when we found out we were having a little girl.  I have wanted my first to be both a boy and a girl for very different reasons.  It took me a little while to fully accept that we were actually having a girl, but once that happened I was so excited.  I have such a great relationship with my mom, and am excited that no matter what happens in our plans to have more children, I will get to raise a daughter.  To me that is a priceless gift.

This pregnancy is so completely different than I ever expected it to be.  I had no idea it would be so hard.  Each trimester brought on its own hardships.  Even thought I was beyond grateful for the gift I had been given to actually be pregnant, it was still hard, and I think it is ok that I felt that way.  I have a new respect for all pregnant women, infertile or not.  What a wonderful gift we give our children in bringing them into the world.


This pregnancy has also been full of fears.  You can put a baby inside a RPL patient, but you can't take the fears of loss out of the pregnant women.  I have been certain my entire pregnancy that something will happen to take this away from me.  I asked my Dr. to stitch me up for incompetent cervix.  I had nightmares she was going to be born with a heart defect and not be able to live outside the womb.  I am still scared every day that I will end up delivering her still born.  I just need to actually hold her in my arms so I can fully believe that all my dreaming a wishing is actually coming true.  I am sure a whole new kind of fear will come once she is out. 


I have to say that the medical care we chose for this journey was exactly what we needed.  If any of you are struggling with RPL, please check with MFM clinics to see if there is a RPL specialist.  They understand all the fears that come with those who have have dealt with loss.  There were times I was freaking out about a weird pain and they assured me everything was normal, but had me come in for an ultrasound just for my own sanity.  We have been spoiled with pictures of our little girl, but each on of those pictures gave me so much piece of mind. 


Even though I have been so neglectful, I have thought about this blog and the people I met through it often.  I read some heartbreaking stories, and stories that gave me hope.  I was filled with words of kindness when I was heartbroken, and advice when I was confused.  But the only way for me to get through this pregnancy without the guilt of success and even more fear it would be taken away was to take a step back and find different support to cling to.  For me it was my husband and my Dr.  Some may be able to continue to find it through blogging, but for me it was to hard to read of BFN, when I had a BFP.  Stories of utter heartbreak from more and more loss scared me to the core.  I had to act like a normal pregnant women without a care in the world.  It was the only way that worked best for me.


As my journey to baby number 1 is coming to an end (hopefully any day now), I feel the same way about this blog.  It has a very special place in my heart and is somewhere I know I can always come to find support and friendship.  I plan on updating once our little Beana joins our family, but then I plan on letting it rest until we try for baby 2.  I may check back to see how all of you are doing, but I don't want my new addition to add pain to anyone else. 


Thank you for the continued support, even though I was so neglectful.  I hope all of you find success in however you are trying!


XOXO,


Baby Hungry

Cheering Myself Up

Welcome ICLWers. I am excited for the ICLW since it has been a few months since I participated. Here is a little blurb so you know what is up over here are Baby Hungry.

We got our first BFP on Clo mid in September 2009 after ttc since January 2008. Our dreams came crashing down when we miscarried in October. I was 6.5 weeks along. February 2010 brought another BFP, followed quickly by miscarriage #2 at 4.5 weeks. I am currently trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and get some answers to why my body doesn't want to stay pregnant. Clo mid was my magic potion for getting prego, now I just need to find the magic elixir to keep that pregnancy for 9 months. I am meeting with a multiple pregnancy loss maternal fetal medicine Dr. for the first time on Tuesday.

An update for my faithful readers: I have been working night and day on cheering myself up. I have successfully kept myself busy enough to keep the crying to a minimum. Either that, or I am just in denial. Either way, here is what I have been cheering myself up with...

• hosting a Valentines day brunch for my mom and sisters
• buying myself flowers, and getting roses from my DH
• girls night
• reading reading reading
• movie: Valentines day
• shopping
• pedicure
• road trip to find the sun...we found it and it still exists
• movie: When in Rome
• eating treats, lots of treats (I really need to stop that!)
• making an appointment with MFM Dr., I'm really excited to get some answers and come up with a plan.
• did I mention I have been eating lots of treats??

I am doing much better with this miscarriage then I did with the last one. I think much of that is because my heart was guarded with this pregnancy and I didn't give the whole thing to it for fear of it being smashed into a million pieces again. I hope I can feel safe enough to give my whole heart to this dream, but right now I am trying to protect it. I thank you all for your kind words. I could really feel the love and support from you all. I hope I can pay it forward to those in need.

PS...Today is my birthday. Go out and eat come cake to celebrate since it is my favorite food! I know I will be!

Coming Back

It is crazy that almost 2 months have passed since I have done anything more then think about this blog and how all you are doing. This has been a hard few months for us with losing our baby and then my job, leaving us both jobless. Blogging was just one thing I couldn't handle. Luckily I feel myself coming out of the black hole I have been in and I miss you all. I know I will never be able to catch up on the much reading, but I have skimmed as much as I can and see that there are quite a few babies growing out there. I am so excited for each of you!

As for an update on our TTC, I am currently on Pro vera waiting for my cycle. This next cycle will be another Clo mid cycle, the first since our M/C. I am excited and very nervous, but I feel emotionally ready to move on, a place which I didn't know if I would ever get to. It is amazing what time can do to heal a heart. I am still scared and hurt inside, but I am much more at peace with it.

I have been thinking lately that I want to get something, some kind of token or jewelry to remind me of our first baby and how much joy it brought us for the short time it was with us. Some sort of tangible prof of this little baby. Does anyone have anything like that for a baby they have lost? I would really like to find something before we start this new cycle.

I hope you are all doing well. I hope I haven't lost you all with my lack of blogging, but I promise to try and be better.

Sunshine During a Blizzard

I drove to the Dr. during a complete blizzard. Snow coming down so hard I cold barley see. And that is pretty much how I felt inside. I was a mess. I had been doing ok, until I got an email from a very good friend telling me that she was six weeks pregnant with her 5th child. Bad timing.

I took the book that I currently can't put down and read it while I waited. I had a nice long wait, but today that was a good thing. I was able to get pretty lost in book world and stayed clam and collected with all the bellies around me.

When my Dr. came in she put her hand on mine and just said she was so sorry. Of course that made me break down a little but I told her if I could get though this appointment without crying I would be doing great.

She asked all the facts...who, what, where, when, how... Those were easy to answer. Facts are cold and direct. I asked my questions. Those answers weren't so direct. Too much unknown to be straight facts.

Since this is my first miscarriage, not much is really done to figure out why. It takes 2 or more before they consider it recurrent miscarriage and research as to why. This is frustrating to me because even though it is common and random, it was and is so personal and such a big deal to me.

Medical TTC break until January. This seems so far away, but I know it will help me heal both physically and emotionally. She asked me what I wanted to do as far as birth control until then, and I thought to myself "have you not been my Dr. for the last 2 years...I don't get pregnant easy, I am not doing any form of birth control!" We decided on either condoms or the "pull out method. Clo mid will start again in January.

She talked to me about the EAG eR study. It looks at the effects of low dose aspirin in improving pregnancy outcomes. I am interested at looking into it. Anyone have any advice or information on that? Anyone participated?

I came out of her office feeling like I had a plan and a purpose. I feel like I can start taking steps forward.

I walked out of the building and the blizzard had stopped. The sun was peaking through the clouds. I am going to be ok.

Yahoo for a Negative

I finally got my BFN.

Yahoo for my body taking care of itself. I am so proud of it!

I am feeling a lot better now that the process is complete. It is easier to move forward AFTER losing my baby is complete rather than DURING the actual loss.

I have a peaceful feeling about trying again. I am still so scared, but but this new peace gives me courage.

I see my Dr. next week to talk about my next steps.

I will forever miss this baby. FOREVER. But I am happy to be able to look toward the future.