Neglect

I am a neglectful blogger.  Last time I updated you I was only 14 weeks along.  I will be 39 weeks tomorrow.  That is 25 weeks of neglecting.  I am sure sorry about that.  Here is a little update on our little bean.
 
First off, bean changed to beanA, when we found out we were having a little girl.  I have wanted my first to be both a boy and a girl for very different reasons.  It took me a little while to fully accept that we were actually having a girl, but once that happened I was so excited.  I have such a great relationship with my mom, and am excited that no matter what happens in our plans to have more children, I will get to raise a daughter.  To me that is a priceless gift.

This pregnancy is so completely different than I ever expected it to be.  I had no idea it would be so hard.  Each trimester brought on its own hardships.  Even thought I was beyond grateful for the gift I had been given to actually be pregnant, it was still hard, and I think it is ok that I felt that way.  I have a new respect for all pregnant women, infertile or not.  What a wonderful gift we give our children in bringing them into the world.


This pregnancy has also been full of fears.  You can put a baby inside a RPL patient, but you can't take the fears of loss out of the pregnant women.  I have been certain my entire pregnancy that something will happen to take this away from me.  I asked my Dr. to stitch me up for incompetent cervix.  I had nightmares she was going to be born with a heart defect and not be able to live outside the womb.  I am still scared every day that I will end up delivering her still born.  I just need to actually hold her in my arms so I can fully believe that all my dreaming a wishing is actually coming true.  I am sure a whole new kind of fear will come once she is out. 


I have to say that the medical care we chose for this journey was exactly what we needed.  If any of you are struggling with RPL, please check with MFM clinics to see if there is a RPL specialist.  They understand all the fears that come with those who have have dealt with loss.  There were times I was freaking out about a weird pain and they assured me everything was normal, but had me come in for an ultrasound just for my own sanity.  We have been spoiled with pictures of our little girl, but each on of those pictures gave me so much piece of mind. 


Even though I have been so neglectful, I have thought about this blog and the people I met through it often.  I read some heartbreaking stories, and stories that gave me hope.  I was filled with words of kindness when I was heartbroken, and advice when I was confused.  But the only way for me to get through this pregnancy without the guilt of success and even more fear it would be taken away was to take a step back and find different support to cling to.  For me it was my husband and my Dr.  Some may be able to continue to find it through blogging, but for me it was to hard to read of BFN, when I had a BFP.  Stories of utter heartbreak from more and more loss scared me to the core.  I had to act like a normal pregnant women without a care in the world.  It was the only way that worked best for me.


As my journey to baby number 1 is coming to an end (hopefully any day now), I feel the same way about this blog.  It has a very special place in my heart and is somewhere I know I can always come to find support and friendship.  I plan on updating once our little Beana joins our family, but then I plan on letting it rest until we try for baby 2.  I may check back to see how all of you are doing, but I don't want my new addition to add pain to anyone else. 


Thank you for the continued support, even though I was so neglectful.  I hope all of you find success in however you are trying!


XOXO,


Baby Hungry

How did we get here??

14 weeks?!?  Really?  We made it to 14 weeks. 

I don't even know how to react to what is going on inside of me.  We have been so scared that this pregnancy would have the same fate as the others that we spent the fist 12 weeks making ourselves NOT get excited. 

Now that my Dr. has told us repeatedly that we are out of the woods, and walking farther and farther away from the woods every day, we are trying to convince ourselves that this really is happening and that it is time to get excited.  

One of the ways we are trying to get ourselves excited is to start telling people.  This has been really fun, but it is so weird to see people be so so excited and scream and jump when we haven't even done that.  It has really helped everything feel more real now that it isn't such a big secret. 

So how have we gotten to this point?  We started out with weekly ultrasounds starting on week 7.  We saw Beaner on week 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, and will on week 15 (we may find our if Beaner is a she or a he :)).  I have switched to every other week, and that last week is so hard.  I think if i could just feel it moving around I would be so much more at ease.

I do have so say that there is something much cooler then hearing a heartbeat.  For me it is seeing the baby move.  At our u/s on week 10, it finally looked more like a person then a blob.  I asked the u/s tech about what was what, and when she stopped moving and just held the u/s in one spot we saw Beaner wiggle.  It was almost as if it was saying "Hi mom and dad.  I'm in here.  Can't wait to meet you.  I love you!"  DH teared up at the sight of our baby moving.  It made it feel so real to see something alive and moving.

Each u/s after that we have seen Beaner move.  That is my favorite part.  Last week it was kicking and spinning and dancing up a storm.  My Dr. feels very very positive because of the movement that has been shown.  He says that a baby in distress doesn't move.  Even before the heart rate drops the baby would stop moving, and Beaner is moving up a storm!

I feel so blessed with everything that is happening.  I can't believe that we are getting closer to our dream with each passing day.  I know that this experience will make me a better mom and will help make me seldom take my children for granted.  I know there are still so many things that could go wrong and our dream could come crashing down again, but for now, I am trying to not think about that and instead relish in the fact that our baby is growing and kicking and getting ready to meet us in March.

Best of thoughts to everyone still working to this goal.  Please keep fighting because this joy is worth all the pain to get here!

Our Tiny Little Beaner

One of my DH's names for me is Bean.  I don't even know where it came from, but because I am Bean, our little one is Beaner.  He sends me a text everyday that says "Hi Bean and Beaner.  I love you guys!"

Today we heard and saw Beaner's heart.  It was PERFECT!!  It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard. 

Little Beaner is tiny, but a perfect size for the Dr.

We are hopeful today, but we are still taking it one day at a time.  Another ultrasound next week to make sure things are still going in the right direction.

***I promise to post pic's of Beaner once I get home from work***

ULTRA-excited!

Tomorrow is Ultrasound day!  I am so excited to see this little bean growing inside of me.  It will feel good to actually get to see one of these babies of mine.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed that everything looks good and that there is a strong little heartbeat in there. 

I feel VERY different this time around.  I can barely keep my eyes open, and I feel like I am going to throw-up about 12 hours a day.  Today is a bad day in that department.  Even though my symptoms make it a little hard to get though the day, I am so grateful for them.  My Dr. says that the sicker I am, the stronger the pregnancy, so I say bring it on.

I am worried that if I get much worse I will have to let work know something is up.  I really don't want to do that until I have to, so hopefully this is as bad as I get.

Thank you so much for your kind words and small amount of celebrating.  I love feeling like someone knows, since we are not telling family until the 2nd trimester this time.

Hopefully I will have a cute little picture of the bean to share tomorrow! 

Doubling

Beta on Tuesday - 1317

Beta Today - 2817

Yahoo for more than doubling numbers.

Ultrasound for 7/27  

Don't forget...no celebrating until September 1st....well maybe just a little celebrating.  We sure are!

Lost Babies Token

I realized that I never shared my miscarriage token. It was with all your help I was able to come up with something that was just perfect for me and my little ones.

Ann sent me a website selling loss remembrance necklaces. They had a "Forget-Me-Not" flower with birthstone charms hanging below to represent each loss. I loved the idea and thought the simplicity was beautiful. I was all ready to place my order when I decided that it would mean more to me if I made the charm all on my own. I went to the bead store and got everything I needed. Since my jewelry making skills are pretty non existent, I was worried that it wouldn't be perfect, but my inexperienced craftsmanship is one of my favorite parts about the necklace. It is perfectly imperfect.

The Opal charm is for the amazing October that our first baby gave us, and the Amethyst charm with an Opal finish is for the great week in February when we thought our goal of 10.10.10 had been met.

When I first posted that I was looking for a token to remember my first miscarriage Jenn sent me a message saying she had the perfect thing and would send it off. I was so excited to get her present. She sent me the sweetest bracelet. The pomegranate thread for "infertility's common thread", the charm for my baby in heaven, and the 5 beads on each side for the 5 stages of grief. I have had this on my wrist since the day I got it. Not only is this another reminder of my first loss, but it reminds me of all the awesome people who have come into my life because of this trial. It shows me another blessing that has come because of my pain.

Thanks to Jenn's great example, I would like to pass her generosity and love forward. I would love to make a necklace charm for anyone looking for something to help them remember their lost little one. Please send me an email to imbabyhungry at gmail dot come if you want one.

Back on the Roller Coaster

Bleeding started last night.

I have never felt more like a failure. Why can't I do the one job women are supposed to do?

I'm not strong enough to do this again.

Coming Back

It is crazy that almost 2 months have passed since I have done anything more then think about this blog and how all you are doing. This has been a hard few months for us with losing our baby and then my job, leaving us both jobless. Blogging was just one thing I couldn't handle. Luckily I feel myself coming out of the black hole I have been in and I miss you all. I know I will never be able to catch up on the much reading, but I have skimmed as much as I can and see that there are quite a few babies growing out there. I am so excited for each of you!

As for an update on our TTC, I am currently on Pro vera waiting for my cycle. This next cycle will be another Clo mid cycle, the first since our M/C. I am excited and very nervous, but I feel emotionally ready to move on, a place which I didn't know if I would ever get to. It is amazing what time can do to heal a heart. I am still scared and hurt inside, but I am much more at peace with it.

I have been thinking lately that I want to get something, some kind of token or jewelry to remind me of our first baby and how much joy it brought us for the short time it was with us. Some sort of tangible prof of this little baby. Does anyone have anything like that for a baby they have lost? I would really like to find something before we start this new cycle.

I hope you are all doing well. I hope I haven't lost you all with my lack of blogging, but I promise to try and be better.

Yahoo for a Negative

I finally got my BFN.

Yahoo for my body taking care of itself. I am so proud of it!

I am feeling a lot better now that the process is complete. It is easier to move forward AFTER losing my baby is complete rather than DURING the actual loss.

I have a peaceful feeling about trying again. I am still so scared, but but this new peace gives me courage.

I see my Dr. next week to talk about my next steps.

I will forever miss this baby. FOREVER. But I am happy to be able to look toward the future.

Negative

...that is what I am looking for in the pregnancy test I take today. The bleeding finally stopped and my Dr. wants a BFN to make sure all the pregnancy tissue has passed. I am having mixed feelings about this.

Seeing a negative would mean my body took care of everything itself. That It knew what needed to be done and did it. It would help restore my faith in my body. I have had so much medical intervention lately that it would be nice to do something for myself. If my body can figure out how to get Un-pregnant by itself, maybe it will be able to figure out how to stay pregnant too. I don't think I can't handle the thought of a procedure to finish what my body started.

There is a tiny part of me that still has a little bitty ounce of Hope that I could go through that much bleeding, that much pain and cramping, and lose that much tissuey blood and that everything is still ok and that I still have a little baby growing inside of me. I know that is the part of my grief that is in denial, but it is there just the same. I am nervous to see and know for a fact that it is really over. What will that do to my emotional stability? I really hope I am strong enough to truly confirm what I already know.

Coming Back

I feel like I am starting to breath again.

The cramping has stopped and the bleeding has slowed. The crying hang-over has faded, but the the hole in my heart still brings me to tears.

I fell more in love with my husband this weekend. He wouldn't leave my side for 2 days. My pain and heartache was his pain and heartache It is amazing what a trial will do to a relationship when you only have each other to cling to.

I am amazed by the support each one of you offered. Your kindness brought me to tears with every single comment. I feel blessed to associate with each of you. Thank you! In time, I hope to comment back to each one of you.

I am scared. I am scared to move forward and try again. I don't want another baby, I want this one. I am afraid to be excited about another BFP and then have it end in such a painful way. I am scared that I won't ever get another BFP.

Heartbroken

I lost the baby this morning.  

The pain is intense.

The heartbreak is unbearable. 

I have no other words to say. 

I hope a watched phone still rings... **UPDATED

Dear Doctor's Nurse,

Please hurry and call me back. I am freaking out and need you to call and calm me down. I told the lady at the front desk I needed you to call me back before I go into a meeting in 1 hour. I can't go the whole weekend without talking to you or I will flip out. As I told the receptionist, I have been spotting for a couple of days, nothing too bad, but still making me nervous. I read in my book that spotting is normal as long as it isn't bright red or you have a lot of cramping along with it. Well today my spotting got darker and more red. Not much cramping, but I am still very worried. I love this tiny baby and I need everything to be ok. My boobs are still super sore, so I am hoping that means I am still pregnant. I just need you to tell me everything is ok.

Please call before my meeting, or still be available after.

Love,

Me


**My nurse called before my meeting. This might be a little tmi, but she said that when the spotting is either pink (like mine has been) or brown (like mine changed too) then those are usually ok. The fact that I am not having much cramping, if at all, is a good sign too. She told me I could come and get my blood taken to test hcg and progesterone levels and then have my hcg levels taken again on Sunday to make sure they keep rising. I have decided to go do that and put myself at ease. I don't know anything about beta numbers, but is that the same thing as hcg? Do I want to see that number double like that? I won't be able to talk to my Dr. about my test results until Monday, but I can look online for them this weekend so hopefully Dr. Google can help me figure out what they mean. I'm trying to keep my hopes up and my fingers crossed.

Spiritual Thought

Religion is a very important part of my life, but for some reason I have kept that more private in my blogging. Maybe I have been worried about being judged, but in order to understand this post I think it is important for you to understand a little of what I believe. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints, aka Mormon. No I do not have horns (a common myth) but I don't drink and didn't have sex before I got married. As a Mormon we believe that we were spirit people living in Heaven before we were born on Earth and received our bodies. After our time on Earth, we believe that our spirits will be reunited with our perfected bodies and live for Eternity with our Father in Heaven. Because my DH and I were married in a Temple, where we were sealed, we have been promised to spend eternity with each other and our children. This knowledge has given me great comfort in my life.

On with my reason for telling you all this (no I am not trying to convert anyone). Last night DH and I were reading in "What to Expect When You're Expecting". We were reading the growth that is happening to our little baby during these couple of weeks (I am not sure if I am 7.5 weeks along, or 5.5 weeks along because of my late ovulation). It was saying that the heart was now beating and that vital organs are taking form. DH asked me if I thought the spirit there yet. I know there is a lot of controversy about when life actually begins, but I believe with all my heart that my baby is alive and has a spirit. I already love it so much and would do anything to protect it. I don't understand how anyone can claim that something with a beating heart isn't alive and can be aborted. If anything were to happen to my pregnancy I would morn the loss of my very alive baby. All day I have been thinking about this fact, that I have a spirit child of my Heavenly Father inside of me and that I am helping to create it's perfect body. I think it is amazing that I have been trusted with such a great responsibility and blessing. I am so grateful for this opportunity and hope I am able to make Him proud of the job I do throughout my baby's life.