Neglect

I am a neglectful blogger.  Last time I updated you I was only 14 weeks along.  I will be 39 weeks tomorrow.  That is 25 weeks of neglecting.  I am sure sorry about that.  Here is a little update on our little bean.
 
First off, bean changed to beanA, when we found out we were having a little girl.  I have wanted my first to be both a boy and a girl for very different reasons.  It took me a little while to fully accept that we were actually having a girl, but once that happened I was so excited.  I have such a great relationship with my mom, and am excited that no matter what happens in our plans to have more children, I will get to raise a daughter.  To me that is a priceless gift.

This pregnancy is so completely different than I ever expected it to be.  I had no idea it would be so hard.  Each trimester brought on its own hardships.  Even thought I was beyond grateful for the gift I had been given to actually be pregnant, it was still hard, and I think it is ok that I felt that way.  I have a new respect for all pregnant women, infertile or not.  What a wonderful gift we give our children in bringing them into the world.


This pregnancy has also been full of fears.  You can put a baby inside a RPL patient, but you can't take the fears of loss out of the pregnant women.  I have been certain my entire pregnancy that something will happen to take this away from me.  I asked my Dr. to stitch me up for incompetent cervix.  I had nightmares she was going to be born with a heart defect and not be able to live outside the womb.  I am still scared every day that I will end up delivering her still born.  I just need to actually hold her in my arms so I can fully believe that all my dreaming a wishing is actually coming true.  I am sure a whole new kind of fear will come once she is out. 


I have to say that the medical care we chose for this journey was exactly what we needed.  If any of you are struggling with RPL, please check with MFM clinics to see if there is a RPL specialist.  They understand all the fears that come with those who have have dealt with loss.  There were times I was freaking out about a weird pain and they assured me everything was normal, but had me come in for an ultrasound just for my own sanity.  We have been spoiled with pictures of our little girl, but each on of those pictures gave me so much piece of mind. 


Even though I have been so neglectful, I have thought about this blog and the people I met through it often.  I read some heartbreaking stories, and stories that gave me hope.  I was filled with words of kindness when I was heartbroken, and advice when I was confused.  But the only way for me to get through this pregnancy without the guilt of success and even more fear it would be taken away was to take a step back and find different support to cling to.  For me it was my husband and my Dr.  Some may be able to continue to find it through blogging, but for me it was to hard to read of BFN, when I had a BFP.  Stories of utter heartbreak from more and more loss scared me to the core.  I had to act like a normal pregnant women without a care in the world.  It was the only way that worked best for me.


As my journey to baby number 1 is coming to an end (hopefully any day now), I feel the same way about this blog.  It has a very special place in my heart and is somewhere I know I can always come to find support and friendship.  I plan on updating once our little Beana joins our family, but then I plan on letting it rest until we try for baby 2.  I may check back to see how all of you are doing, but I don't want my new addition to add pain to anyone else. 


Thank you for the continued support, even though I was so neglectful.  I hope all of you find success in however you are trying!


XOXO,


Baby Hungry

How did we get here??

14 weeks?!?  Really?  We made it to 14 weeks. 

I don't even know how to react to what is going on inside of me.  We have been so scared that this pregnancy would have the same fate as the others that we spent the fist 12 weeks making ourselves NOT get excited. 

Now that my Dr. has told us repeatedly that we are out of the woods, and walking farther and farther away from the woods every day, we are trying to convince ourselves that this really is happening and that it is time to get excited.  

One of the ways we are trying to get ourselves excited is to start telling people.  This has been really fun, but it is so weird to see people be so so excited and scream and jump when we haven't even done that.  It has really helped everything feel more real now that it isn't such a big secret. 

So how have we gotten to this point?  We started out with weekly ultrasounds starting on week 7.  We saw Beaner on week 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, and will on week 15 (we may find our if Beaner is a she or a he :)).  I have switched to every other week, and that last week is so hard.  I think if i could just feel it moving around I would be so much more at ease.

I do have so say that there is something much cooler then hearing a heartbeat.  For me it is seeing the baby move.  At our u/s on week 10, it finally looked more like a person then a blob.  I asked the u/s tech about what was what, and when she stopped moving and just held the u/s in one spot we saw Beaner wiggle.  It was almost as if it was saying "Hi mom and dad.  I'm in here.  Can't wait to meet you.  I love you!"  DH teared up at the sight of our baby moving.  It made it feel so real to see something alive and moving.

Each u/s after that we have seen Beaner move.  That is my favorite part.  Last week it was kicking and spinning and dancing up a storm.  My Dr. feels very very positive because of the movement that has been shown.  He says that a baby in distress doesn't move.  Even before the heart rate drops the baby would stop moving, and Beaner is moving up a storm!

I feel so blessed with everything that is happening.  I can't believe that we are getting closer to our dream with each passing day.  I know that this experience will make me a better mom and will help make me seldom take my children for granted.  I know there are still so many things that could go wrong and our dream could come crashing down again, but for now, I am trying to not think about that and instead relish in the fact that our baby is growing and kicking and getting ready to meet us in March.

Best of thoughts to everyone still working to this goal.  Please keep fighting because this joy is worth all the pain to get here!

Half a Decade

Happy 5th anniversary to the love of my life.

You are my best friend and I couldn't imagine life without you.

I can't wait to make you a dad to our beautiful children.

I had a dream that we spent our 6th anniversary in the delivery room with our new little baby. It was perfect! I hope with all my heart that dream comes true.

This year a romantic weekend hidden away at a bed and breakfast will have to do. :)

I can't wait for the all the years ahead!!

Simple Pleasures

My Sweetie dressed in Fall clothes. He looks so cute and cuddly. I get to go home to that tonight...YUM!!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Coming Back

I feel like I am starting to breath again.

The cramping has stopped and the bleeding has slowed. The crying hang-over has faded, but the the hole in my heart still brings me to tears.

I fell more in love with my husband this weekend. He wouldn't leave my side for 2 days. My pain and heartache was his pain and heartache It is amazing what a trial will do to a relationship when you only have each other to cling to.

I am amazed by the support each one of you offered. Your kindness brought me to tears with every single comment. I feel blessed to associate with each of you. Thank you! In time, I hope to comment back to each one of you.

I am scared. I am scared to move forward and try again. I don't want another baby, I want this one. I am afraid to be excited about another BFP and then have it end in such a painful way. I am scared that I won't ever get another BFP.

Heartbroken

I lost the baby this morning.  

The pain is intense.

The heartbreak is unbearable. 

I have no other words to say. 

Spiritual Thought

Religion is a very important part of my life, but for some reason I have kept that more private in my blogging. Maybe I have been worried about being judged, but in order to understand this post I think it is important for you to understand a little of what I believe. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints, aka Mormon. No I do not have horns (a common myth) but I don't drink and didn't have sex before I got married. As a Mormon we believe that we were spirit people living in Heaven before we were born on Earth and received our bodies. After our time on Earth, we believe that our spirits will be reunited with our perfected bodies and live for Eternity with our Father in Heaven. Because my DH and I were married in a Temple, where we were sealed, we have been promised to spend eternity with each other and our children. This knowledge has given me great comfort in my life.

On with my reason for telling you all this (no I am not trying to convert anyone). Last night DH and I were reading in "What to Expect When You're Expecting". We were reading the growth that is happening to our little baby during these couple of weeks (I am not sure if I am 7.5 weeks along, or 5.5 weeks along because of my late ovulation). It was saying that the heart was now beating and that vital organs are taking form. DH asked me if I thought the spirit there yet. I know there is a lot of controversy about when life actually begins, but I believe with all my heart that my baby is alive and has a spirit. I already love it so much and would do anything to protect it. I don't understand how anyone can claim that something with a beating heart isn't alive and can be aborted. If anything were to happen to my pregnancy I would morn the loss of my very alive baby. All day I have been thinking about this fact, that I have a spirit child of my Heavenly Father inside of me and that I am helping to create it's perfect body. I think it is amazing that I have been trusted with such a great responsibility and blessing. I am so grateful for this opportunity and hope I am able to make Him proud of the job I do throughout my baby's life.

This morning...

I screamed,

danced,

sang,

twirled,

cheered,

and celebrated!

And took 2 pregnancy tests cause we didn't believe the first one!

Paper Cranes

Paper Cranes are a symbol of courage, hope, and peace. There is a Japanese proverb that says if you make 1000 Paper Cranes your wish will come true. This was used a lot with people diagnosed with Leukemia after Hiroshima.

When my grandma was first diagnosed with Leukemia, my sisters and I all worked to fold her 1,000 paper cranes hoping they would provide her with hope and strength. When she died, we were able to bury some of the cranes with her. Paper Cranes have since been a very special symbol in our family.

We just finished folding another 1,000 Paper Cranes to offer hope and courage my DH's mom who was recently diagnosed with a rare form of Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She was put in the hospital about 4 weeks ago to undergo Chemotherapy and has been doing pretty good so far. In the middle of her hospital stay we took 250 of the cranes and hung them in her room while she was out for the day.

This past weekend she was able to come home from the hospital between Chemo cycles. We took the opportunity to sneak into their house and hang all 1,000 cranes before she got home.

It is so neat to be able to re-create an experience that touched my life so much the first time. It makes me feel so close to my Grandma. I know she is happy to know that someone else will find comfort and joy in these special Cranes. I hope these Cranes help make my DH's mom feel just a little bit better and help her to feel of our love.

I wish I could share this same gift to all of you who are struggling just like I am in the long hard journey to building our families! If you see a paper crane I hope you can feel its power of hope and love and comfort!

UN-Father's Day

I know that Mother's Day is the hard holiday for us in the IF community, but I found Father's Day very hard this year. My DH has been wanting to have a baby for such a long time and was even trying to convince me to have one for a year before I agreed to go off the pill. After getting his SA test back and finding out he is a Fertile King, I have been having lots of feelings of guilt that it is all my fault that I can't give him a baby that he wants so bad. Seeing him with different kids and babies this weekend just broke my heart because he is so good with them and would make the best dad. I have always thought that it would be his job to make money and support the family, and it would be my job to make the babies and take care of the house and kids. I hate not being able to do my job! He is struggling finding a job after a layoff, so I am glad I am getting the chance to support us for a while because it makes me feel like I am doing something. Has anyone else felt that they are failing their husbands??