Lost Babies Token

I realized that I never shared my miscarriage token. It was with all your help I was able to come up with something that was just perfect for me and my little ones.

Ann sent me a website selling loss remembrance necklaces. They had a "Forget-Me-Not" flower with birthstone charms hanging below to represent each loss. I loved the idea and thought the simplicity was beautiful. I was all ready to place my order when I decided that it would mean more to me if I made the charm all on my own. I went to the bead store and got everything I needed. Since my jewelry making skills are pretty non existent, I was worried that it wouldn't be perfect, but my inexperienced craftsmanship is one of my favorite parts about the necklace. It is perfectly imperfect.

The Opal charm is for the amazing October that our first baby gave us, and the Amethyst charm with an Opal finish is for the great week in February when we thought our goal of 10.10.10 had been met.

When I first posted that I was looking for a token to remember my first miscarriage Jenn sent me a message saying she had the perfect thing and would send it off. I was so excited to get her present. She sent me the sweetest bracelet. The pomegranate thread for "infertility's common thread", the charm for my baby in heaven, and the 5 beads on each side for the 5 stages of grief. I have had this on my wrist since the day I got it. Not only is this another reminder of my first loss, but it reminds me of all the awesome people who have come into my life because of this trial. It shows me another blessing that has come because of my pain.

Thanks to Jenn's great example, I would like to pass her generosity and love forward. I would love to make a necklace charm for anyone looking for something to help them remember their lost little one. Please send me an email to imbabyhungry at gmail dot come if you want one.

Coming Back

I feel like I am starting to breath again.

The cramping has stopped and the bleeding has slowed. The crying hang-over has faded, but the the hole in my heart still brings me to tears.

I fell more in love with my husband this weekend. He wouldn't leave my side for 2 days. My pain and heartache was his pain and heartache It is amazing what a trial will do to a relationship when you only have each other to cling to.

I am amazed by the support each one of you offered. Your kindness brought me to tears with every single comment. I feel blessed to associate with each of you. Thank you! In time, I hope to comment back to each one of you.

I am scared. I am scared to move forward and try again. I don't want another baby, I want this one. I am afraid to be excited about another BFP and then have it end in such a painful way. I am scared that I won't ever get another BFP.

Over The Top

Thanks to Marla'z for my first blog award. This is a fun one!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk

2. Your hair? Colored

3. Your mother? Best

4. Your father? Funny

5. Your favorite food? Sugar

6. Your dream last night? None

7. Your favorite drink? DietCoke

8. Your dream/goal? Mom

9. What room are you in? Office

10. Your hobby? Books

11. Your fear? Miscarriage

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home

13. Where were you last night? Friends

14. Something that you aren’t? Mean

15. Muffins? Poppyseed

16. Wish list item? Baby

17. Where did you grow up? Mountains

18. Last thing you did? Type

19. What are you wearing? Sweater

20. Your TV? Off

21. Your pets? Cute

22. Friends? Few

23. Your life? Waiting

24. Your mood? Content

25. Missing someone? No

26. Vehicle? Jetta

27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks

28. Your favorite store? Target

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday

31. Last time you cried? Saturday

32. Your best friend? Love

33. One place that I go to over and over? Mom's

34. One person who emails me regularly? None

35. Favorite place to eat? OliveGarden

Recipients

1 This Place is Now a Home

2 Hubby, Baby and Me...Would Make 3

3 A Baby for Al

4 Adventures to Parenthood

5 my infertility diary

6 Busted Tube: Adventures in Infertility

So many people have already done this, so I hope I didn't award anyone who already received it!

Don't forget to pass it on!

Aloha!

Me and my beautiful little sister in Hawaii.

Aloha to all my blogging friends! I missed reading about all your lives, but we had a great Hawaiian Vacation. Too bad I came back to snow in my mountains and freezing temperatures.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all your kind words of congrats. It means so much to me that so many people who are going through such a hard journey themselves can be so genuinely happy for someone else's happiness in the middle of their own sadness. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

My biggest fear is that my good news did upset some of you because I don't want to be the reason anyone hurts more then they have to. I hope instead my joy can give you hope that it will happen for each one of you. I know that I still pray for that for all of you.

I want to continue blogging about the newest phase in my IF journey, and hope you will still read along with me, but if you need to stay away for a while please do. I have a lot of reading to catch up on, but will continue to keep reading and giving support when I can. I love you all!

Paper Cranes

Paper Cranes are a symbol of courage, hope, and peace. There is a Japanese proverb that says if you make 1000 Paper Cranes your wish will come true. This was used a lot with people diagnosed with Leukemia after Hiroshima.

When my grandma was first diagnosed with Leukemia, my sisters and I all worked to fold her 1,000 paper cranes hoping they would provide her with hope and strength. When she died, we were able to bury some of the cranes with her. Paper Cranes have since been a very special symbol in our family.

We just finished folding another 1,000 Paper Cranes to offer hope and courage my DH's mom who was recently diagnosed with a rare form of Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She was put in the hospital about 4 weeks ago to undergo Chemotherapy and has been doing pretty good so far. In the middle of her hospital stay we took 250 of the cranes and hung them in her room while she was out for the day.

This past weekend she was able to come home from the hospital between Chemo cycles. We took the opportunity to sneak into their house and hang all 1,000 cranes before she got home.

It is so neat to be able to re-create an experience that touched my life so much the first time. It makes me feel so close to my Grandma. I know she is happy to know that someone else will find comfort and joy in these special Cranes. I hope these Cranes help make my DH's mom feel just a little bit better and help her to feel of our love.

I wish I could share this same gift to all of you who are struggling just like I am in the long hard journey to building our families! If you see a paper crane I hope you can feel its power of hope and love and comfort!

Just Call me Stupid

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. You are all much better support that people in RL.

A couple of you mentioned that I should ask my Dr. about Ovid rel to help induce an ovulation. I am confused because I thought that is what Clom id was doing. What is the difference? Those of you who have used Ovid rel, do you use it with Clom id, or in place of it?

I am a little worried about calling my Dr. because I had to beg her to give me Clom id. She is a very conservative Dr. and just wanted me to keep trying on my own. I tried getting into another OBGYN while I waited for my RE appointment, and all those appointments are even further out. I talked to my Dr.'s nurse about being monitored while I was on Clom id and she said they don't do that and I just needed to do it on my own and call them if I didn't ovulate and they would up the dose. Another friend told me that I really needed to have my blood taken on day 21 to see if that was the correct dose of Clom id for me (I guess you can be on the right dose, but it can still take a cycle or two to cause ovulation), but she couldn't remember what levels they test for. I want to call my Dr. and talk to her about all these things...blood test for Clom id, Ovid rel, a new dose of Clom id for next cycle but I feel like I am unsure of what to ask for. I hate waiting for Dr. appointments. I feel so stupid for waiting so long and trying to stick it out with my OBGYN. I feel like I am a mess and that I am never going to get out of this hole. My stupid RE appointment isn't until the end of November. AHHHH....

I am sorry this post is out of control. I am just freaking out. I feel like there is more monitoring and options that I want, but I can't find anyone to give them to me. Please send help!

***UPDATE*** I just got off the phone with my Dr.'s nurse. They are going to do the Progesterone test on CD21. I also told her to ask my Dr. about Ovid rel for my next cycle. Not feeling much better though.

What an Awesome Week!

This past week was my first time participating in ICLW. I think the whole concept of it is AMAZING! I was able to find blogs that of those of you who are in the same stages of this IF journey as me and blogs that I will continue reading. I am normally someone who is a little comment shy and do much more reading then commenting, but this week pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I really liked commenting on peoples blogs and being able to offer support and what little experience I have.

I was also able to receive great comments and support and advice from you! THANK YOU! getting an email saying I had another comment made me so happy and so loved. I was able to be so open this week with what I was feeling and experiencing and never once felt alone. Those feelings you all gave me are invaluable. I feel like I have real blogger friends now who I care about and I know care about me too. I am so thankful I found this community to help me through this difficult time in my life. I really hope I can offer the same support and love you have offered me.

I am feeling a lot better today. I think yesterday was just an off day. I am still getting hot flashes from time to time, but they are totally manageable.

Last night I had a faint line on my OPK. I know this doesn't mean that I will O for sure, but it at least makes me feel like I am on the right path.

We have been doing a little extra BD this week just in case I miss my ovulation :) It has been hurting me a lot, stinging really bad after. I don't know if anyone else has had this symptom with Clom id or not. I hope it goes away cause I need to be in tip top condition this weekend since I should ovulate on Sunday or Monday (should being the key word here). ;) ;)

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Thanks again for all the support this week!