Good Bye 10.10.10

I woke up at 4:30am with terrible cramping.

Blood is gushing out of me now.

It is over.

10.10.10 will just be a day I cry over my two lost dreams.

The Results are in...

And they don't really say jack...

Beta: 88
Progesterone: 4.6

According to Dr..."Both are low. Unsure if pregnancy will be viable. Re-test on Friday"

She said I could try taking Prometrium for my low progesterone, but that it might be too late to do any good. What to do??

This miscarriage (that is what I am calling it) is bringing with it a lot of anger. Last time I was too buried in hear break to feel any anger. This time the anger is right in line with my heartbreak. When I walked into the women's center to get my blood taken and saw all those women with perfectly round bellies, I just wanted to run up and push them all down. I had to remind myself that each and everyone of those women could have gone through all the heartache and disappointment of infertility and loss and are just now getting their miracle after years of pain.

But watch out....I sure am mean these days.

A crying, mean, nasty, mess.

This is not how I am supposed to feel during my favorite time of year.

I did make an appointment for a Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. who specialises in multiple pregnancy losses. I see him on the 23rd. I hope he will be more sensitive to my situation and the questions and fears I now have after losing teo.

One was random, two scares me.

What happened to my positive attitude??

I have been pretty blue the last couple of days.

I am really getting frustrated at how random and unpredictable my cycles are. I feel like I don't know when to test or when to give up on a cycle and move on. I know last time it took me a long time to ovulate, but that doesn't mean that this time will be the same. My boobs are still so sore I can barley walk up and down the stairs, but all the tests I have taken have come back BFN. I never got a + OPK either (I started testing on CD20). I wish that my cycles weren't so long so I could get on to trying again, or that AF just came on her own so I would know when to move on.

I am having a couple of other weird symptoms. The biggest one is if I stretch at all, my lower stomach sends sharp pains. Both sides. I have never had something like that happen before.

I also worry (or hope would be more like it) that since I am using dollar store pregnancy tests, that they need a higher HCG level to show a positive and so maybe that is why I am still getting BFN.

I really hate all the unknowns!!

I also heard back NO from all my other job prospects. I am back at square 1. I really need a yes about something in my life or I might just go crazy!!

BooHoo!

BFN today.

I am slightly bummed but also realise that it could just be too early. With my last pregnancy I took a test on Sunday morning that came back negative, and then the test Friday morning was positive.

Still keeping my fingers crossed on this cycle. Baby on 10.10.10!

On Having Sex....or the Flu

Plan of action for this cycle....have sex every other day insure that an ovulation won't go un-fertilized.

Then comes Saturday Night, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday and with those days brings the worst case of the stomach flu I have ever experienced.

Thanks to this lovely visitor, the last time BD occurred at our house was on Thursday and last I checked it takes more then once a week to make a baby when you don't know when you ovulate.

My plan of 10.10.10 better not be ruined by the flu! Better get back on the bandwagon tonight...and maybe tomorrow for good measure!

Bad News Comes in 3's....

Number 1: Miscarriage

Number 2: Monday morning without any warning I lost my job. Seeing as DH still isn't employed from his lay off this is really bad. I don't know what we are going to do. We are both scrambling trying to find anything. We are also trying to figure out what we are going to do about insurance.

I wonder what Number 3 will be.....

No Internet at home, and now no job to have Internet there, so I might be MIA for a little bit. I will update when I can. If anyone knows any good jobs for commercial interior designers in Utah please pass them along....

The World Hates Infertiles

I wrote a letter to the EAG eR study people about my interest in joining. Here is a copy of my letter:


EAG eR People,

I recently had my first miscarriage and am interested in the EAG eR study. This was my first pregnancy and I was taking Clo mid when I achieved this pregnancy after 21 months of trying. I have met with my Dr and have been advised to wait until January before I can begin trying to conceive again. At this time, I will begin taking Clo mid again. I don't know if I am eligible for this study because of the fertility medication I am on. I also don't know when I would join the study since I have a few months before I can begin actively trying again. Please let me know if and when I would be a good candidate for this study.

Thanks, Me


This was their response:


Baby Hungry,

Thank you for contacting the EAG eR study.

This study is conducted through the National Institutes of Health. We are only allowed to enroll women who are able to get pregnant without fertility measures.

Please call us if you have any questions or if we can give you any information. We would be happy to chat with you.

Thanks again and I wish you the very best of luck,

EAG eR People


I think that is so stupid. Why do they want to help fertile people stay pregnant, but not the ones who try so hard to finally get that way?

BOO!!

I feel like writing back:

Dear EAG eR People,

I would love to call and "chat" with you, but making a baby while infertile takes a lot of time and hard work, so I will have to pass.

Thanks,

Baby Hungry

PS...I have 101 unread blogs in my google reader. I am so sorry! I haven't ment to be a slacker. Just been super busy at work which is were I have to check blogs since we don't have internet at home. I promise to take a big chunk of that number down today!

Garbage

That is where I threw my stupid positive pregnancy test yesterday. No pictures were taken and I didn't leave it on my bathroom counter all day and keep going back in to look at it. That is reserved for the positives that mean there is a baby growing and multiplying in there, not some stupid tissue that just won't let go and is just hanging out in my uterus reminding me that there is no baby in there. The second line was pretty light so hopefully that is a good sign that I will still get a negative on my own. I don't see my Dr. until the 27th so as long as I get a negative by then it will be ok. Too bad I was supposed to see my Dr. on the 29th for my first pregnancy appointment. Stupid miscarriage!

May I never be mad about a positive again!

***Sorry I have been a slacker commenter this week. I am trying to get back to the point where I can offer support and excitement. I just need to make sure I am keeping my head above water first. Thanks for your continued love and support for me. It is much appreciated! XOXO!

I need to remind myself that I didn't go to Medical School

My Dr.'s office called with the results of the test I didn't want and didn't think I needed.

CD35 - 14.9 - definite ovulation

I feel bad for complaining so much now. I feel bad for the mean thoughts I had about my Dr. I feel bad that I stopped doing OPK because I had given up on this cycle, and didn't BD when I should have.

My Dr. will be back in town tomorrow and will let me know what do about the rest of this cycle.

I think I deserve a lecture...please be nice!

Negative Nelly

This is not a happy post. I am in a bad mood....read with caution.

Just got off the phone with my Dr.'s nurse. They won't up my dose of Clo mid until they do one more progesterone test to make sure there was no ovulation. SERIOUSLY! I am mad. I feel like they aren't listening to me. My last level was a 1...a ONE! They are worried about up-ing my change for multiples by up-ing my Clo mid if this dose did make me ovulate but my point is that even if I did ovulate, it was a very weak ovulation and so up-ing the does is not going to kill me (I told my nurse my side of the story a little more eloquent then that). My nurse says she understands both sides, but that my Dr and the on call Doc are both saying the same thing so I have to pay for another stupid pointless test. Sorry about the vent session. I am just mad a frustrated and trying not to tear up at work.

And to think, I was having a great morning.

I promise to post about somthing I am greatful for before the end of the day....

Test Numbers

So I took your advice and called my Dr. for the actual numbers of my tests.

CD21 - 0.4 - Dr. said no ovulation
CD28 - 1 - Dr. said borderline ovulation and that she wants to repeat the test in another week.

I am feeling a little bit angry. After reading all your comments, 1 seems VERY low to me. Why does she feel I need to test again? I am worried that my insurance won't cover me taking 3 tests in a row and I really don't want to pay 200+ dollars for a test I don't think is very necessary. I told my nurse that on the phone and asked her to talk to my Dr. about skipping that test and my Dr. is out of town till the middle of next week. LOVELY! She is going to talk to the on call Dr. and let me know what to do. Grrrrr! I am so frustrated!

ps...I had a few new commenters to my blog this week, but I can't seem to link back to your blogs. Please leave me a comment with your blog address so I can read about your experiences.

Borderline My Eye

I just got off the phone with my Dr. and my Progesterone test from Sunday (CD28) came back as "borderline ovulation"...What the hell does that mean? Did I or didn't I? Shouldn't it be black or white...either there is an egg that can turn into a baby, or my tubes are empty yet again, it can't be simpler then that. Either way, I have to go back this Sunday to test again (CD35). Heaven help me!

Why Why Why?

I know it is important to have hope and to look for the positive, but right now I wish I didn't have any. I hate that even though I know I had NO ovulation this cycle I am still hoping that because I have been going pee more then usual that I might be pregnant. I am just setting myself up for letdown once CD1 comes. Why do I have to live in a fantasy land where you don't need an egg present to get prego? I am not looking forward to the hard dose of reality coming my way.

On a good note...I lost 3.5 lbs this week! YAY!

Just Call me Stupid

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. You are all much better support that people in RL.

A couple of you mentioned that I should ask my Dr. about Ovid rel to help induce an ovulation. I am confused because I thought that is what Clom id was doing. What is the difference? Those of you who have used Ovid rel, do you use it with Clom id, or in place of it?

I am a little worried about calling my Dr. because I had to beg her to give me Clom id. She is a very conservative Dr. and just wanted me to keep trying on my own. I tried getting into another OBGYN while I waited for my RE appointment, and all those appointments are even further out. I talked to my Dr.'s nurse about being monitored while I was on Clom id and she said they don't do that and I just needed to do it on my own and call them if I didn't ovulate and they would up the dose. Another friend told me that I really needed to have my blood taken on day 21 to see if that was the correct dose of Clom id for me (I guess you can be on the right dose, but it can still take a cycle or two to cause ovulation), but she couldn't remember what levels they test for. I want to call my Dr. and talk to her about all these things...blood test for Clom id, Ovid rel, a new dose of Clom id for next cycle but I feel like I am unsure of what to ask for. I hate waiting for Dr. appointments. I feel so stupid for waiting so long and trying to stick it out with my OBGYN. I feel like I am a mess and that I am never going to get out of this hole. My stupid RE appointment isn't until the end of November. AHHHH....

I am sorry this post is out of control. I am just freaking out. I feel like there is more monitoring and options that I want, but I can't find anyone to give them to me. Please send help!

***UPDATE*** I just got off the phone with my Dr.'s nurse. They are going to do the Progesterone test on CD21. I also told her to ask my Dr. about Ovid rel for my next cycle. Not feeling much better though.

About to Throw in the Towel...

...and give the win to the Ovaries.

CD18. No O yet. Still a faint second line.

Anyone out there still have hope for O this late in a Clom id cycle?

Yesterday when opening up to a RL friend her response when I said I still hadn't ovulated was "Well maybe you don't have any eggs. Have they tested that?" Thanks for the pep talk. It was super awesome!

Hope you are all having better luck them me.