Life and Death

I have good and bad news.  I guess I should get the bad news over with first...

My dear sweet friend lost her battle with Cancer last weekend.  She fought a very good fight, but in the end the stupid Cancer took over.  I am heartbroken at the thought of going through the rest of my life without her, but so glad that she went quickly and peacefully.  It could have been a terrible process, but from the time we knew there was nothing left to do, and the time she passed was only a couple of days.  I was able to see her and say goodbye 2 days before, and for that I feel very lucky.  We are burying her this weekend, and I am sure that is when the reality will really set in for me.  It is still so hard for me to imagine.  The world lost a beautiful soul when they took her.

Good news...we got our 3rd BFP yesterday morning.  We are not really celebrating until we hit 12 weeks, so don't get to excited for me yet.  I hate what RPL has done to me.  Every time I go to the bathroom I expect to see red.  Every time I have even the tiniest amount of a cramp I think I am going to lose it.  I see my Dr. on Tuesday.  He will keep seeing me every week until I make it to 12 weeks.  September 1st is when we will celebrate! 

Good Bye 10.10.10

I woke up at 4:30am with terrible cramping.

Blood is gushing out of me now.

It is over.

10.10.10 will just be a day I cry over my two lost dreams.

The Results are in...

And they don't really say jack...

Beta: 88
Progesterone: 4.6

According to Dr..."Both are low. Unsure if pregnancy will be viable. Re-test on Friday"

She said I could try taking Prometrium for my low progesterone, but that it might be too late to do any good. What to do??

This miscarriage (that is what I am calling it) is bringing with it a lot of anger. Last time I was too buried in hear break to feel any anger. This time the anger is right in line with my heartbreak. When I walked into the women's center to get my blood taken and saw all those women with perfectly round bellies, I just wanted to run up and push them all down. I had to remind myself that each and everyone of those women could have gone through all the heartache and disappointment of infertility and loss and are just now getting their miracle after years of pain.

But watch out....I sure am mean these days.

A crying, mean, nasty, mess.

This is not how I am supposed to feel during my favorite time of year.

I did make an appointment for a Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. who specialises in multiple pregnancy losses. I see him on the 23rd. I hope he will be more sensitive to my situation and the questions and fears I now have after losing teo.

One was random, two scares me.

What happened to my positive attitude??

I have been pretty blue the last couple of days.

I am really getting frustrated at how random and unpredictable my cycles are. I feel like I don't know when to test or when to give up on a cycle and move on. I know last time it took me a long time to ovulate, but that doesn't mean that this time will be the same. My boobs are still so sore I can barley walk up and down the stairs, but all the tests I have taken have come back BFN. I never got a + OPK either (I started testing on CD20). I wish that my cycles weren't so long so I could get on to trying again, or that AF just came on her own so I would know when to move on.

I am having a couple of other weird symptoms. The biggest one is if I stretch at all, my lower stomach sends sharp pains. Both sides. I have never had something like that happen before.

I also worry (or hope would be more like it) that since I am using dollar store pregnancy tests, that they need a higher HCG level to show a positive and so maybe that is why I am still getting BFN.

I really hate all the unknowns!!

I also heard back NO from all my other job prospects. I am back at square 1. I really need a yes about something in my life or I might just go crazy!!

Bad News Comes in 3's....

Number 1: Miscarriage

Number 2: Monday morning without any warning I lost my job. Seeing as DH still isn't employed from his lay off this is really bad. I don't know what we are going to do. We are both scrambling trying to find anything. We are also trying to figure out what we are going to do about insurance.

I wonder what Number 3 will be.....

No Internet at home, and now no job to have Internet there, so I might be MIA for a little bit. I will update when I can. If anyone knows any good jobs for commercial interior designers in Utah please pass them along....

Sunshine During a Blizzard

I drove to the Dr. during a complete blizzard. Snow coming down so hard I cold barley see. And that is pretty much how I felt inside. I was a mess. I had been doing ok, until I got an email from a very good friend telling me that she was six weeks pregnant with her 5th child. Bad timing.

I took the book that I currently can't put down and read it while I waited. I had a nice long wait, but today that was a good thing. I was able to get pretty lost in book world and stayed clam and collected with all the bellies around me.

When my Dr. came in she put her hand on mine and just said she was so sorry. Of course that made me break down a little but I told her if I could get though this appointment without crying I would be doing great.

She asked all the facts...who, what, where, when, how... Those were easy to answer. Facts are cold and direct. I asked my questions. Those answers weren't so direct. Too much unknown to be straight facts.

Since this is my first miscarriage, not much is really done to figure out why. It takes 2 or more before they consider it recurrent miscarriage and research as to why. This is frustrating to me because even though it is common and random, it was and is so personal and such a big deal to me.

Medical TTC break until January. This seems so far away, but I know it will help me heal both physically and emotionally. She asked me what I wanted to do as far as birth control until then, and I thought to myself "have you not been my Dr. for the last 2 years...I don't get pregnant easy, I am not doing any form of birth control!" We decided on either condoms or the "pull out method. Clo mid will start again in January.

She talked to me about the EAG eR study. It looks at the effects of low dose aspirin in improving pregnancy outcomes. I am interested at looking into it. Anyone have any advice or information on that? Anyone participated?

I came out of her office feeling like I had a plan and a purpose. I feel like I can start taking steps forward.

I walked out of the building and the blizzard had stopped. The sun was peaking through the clouds. I am going to be ok.

Cheering Myself Up

I have no control over my infertility. I can't tell my body to get or, as I recently learned, even stay pregnant. I am at the mercy of something beyond my control.


However, I can control my attitude.

Through this miscarriage experience I have truly felt the different stages of grief. For someone who is generally easy going and pretty happy and optimistic, I have felt stuck in the anger stage. I have no sympathy for people going through regular real life challenges like fighting with a boyfriend or losing a job. I find myself boiling with anger when I hear someone complain about anything. I just want to shout, "Well I just had all my hopes and dreams bleed out of me for the last week!!"

This behavior is not normal for me and I decided that I really needed to do something about it. On my way home from work last week I was trying to think of the things I was grateful for and the blessings that surrounded me. I looked up at the mountains that I live nestled in and was amazed at their beauty. I decided that I needed to go hiking. First, to enjoy the beautiful fall. Second, to take advantage of something I CAN make my body to. It can take me up a mountain. It might be hard, but my body can do it and for that I am thankful.

I LOVE where I live!

*Thank you Mountains for cheering me up! I went to my family cabin this weekend while DH was Deer Hunting, and My Mountains cheered me up even more.*

Garbage

That is where I threw my stupid positive pregnancy test yesterday. No pictures were taken and I didn't leave it on my bathroom counter all day and keep going back in to look at it. That is reserved for the positives that mean there is a baby growing and multiplying in there, not some stupid tissue that just won't let go and is just hanging out in my uterus reminding me that there is no baby in there. The second line was pretty light so hopefully that is a good sign that I will still get a negative on my own. I don't see my Dr. until the 27th so as long as I get a negative by then it will be ok. Too bad I was supposed to see my Dr. on the 29th for my first pregnancy appointment. Stupid miscarriage!

May I never be mad about a positive again!

***Sorry I have been a slacker commenter this week. I am trying to get back to the point where I can offer support and excitement. I just need to make sure I am keeping my head above water first. Thanks for your continued love and support for me. It is much appreciated! XOXO!

Coming Back

I feel like I am starting to breath again.

The cramping has stopped and the bleeding has slowed. The crying hang-over has faded, but the the hole in my heart still brings me to tears.

I fell more in love with my husband this weekend. He wouldn't leave my side for 2 days. My pain and heartache was his pain and heartache It is amazing what a trial will do to a relationship when you only have each other to cling to.

I am amazed by the support each one of you offered. Your kindness brought me to tears with every single comment. I feel blessed to associate with each of you. Thank you! In time, I hope to comment back to each one of you.

I am scared. I am scared to move forward and try again. I don't want another baby, I want this one. I am afraid to be excited about another BFP and then have it end in such a painful way. I am scared that I won't ever get another BFP.

Paper Cranes

Paper Cranes are a symbol of courage, hope, and peace. There is a Japanese proverb that says if you make 1000 Paper Cranes your wish will come true. This was used a lot with people diagnosed with Leukemia after Hiroshima.

When my grandma was first diagnosed with Leukemia, my sisters and I all worked to fold her 1,000 paper cranes hoping they would provide her with hope and strength. When she died, we were able to bury some of the cranes with her. Paper Cranes have since been a very special symbol in our family.

We just finished folding another 1,000 Paper Cranes to offer hope and courage my DH's mom who was recently diagnosed with a rare form of Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She was put in the hospital about 4 weeks ago to undergo Chemotherapy and has been doing pretty good so far. In the middle of her hospital stay we took 250 of the cranes and hung them in her room while she was out for the day.

This past weekend she was able to come home from the hospital between Chemo cycles. We took the opportunity to sneak into their house and hang all 1,000 cranes before she got home.

It is so neat to be able to re-create an experience that touched my life so much the first time. It makes me feel so close to my Grandma. I know she is happy to know that someone else will find comfort and joy in these special Cranes. I hope these Cranes help make my DH's mom feel just a little bit better and help her to feel of our love.

I wish I could share this same gift to all of you who are struggling just like I am in the long hard journey to building our families! If you see a paper crane I hope you can feel its power of hope and love and comfort!

Playing Hookie

Here is my happy post as promised.

I am ditching out of work early today to go shopping with my mom and sister. (Don't tell!) Nothing like a little retail therapy!

I hope you all enjoy your weekend!