Neglect

I am a neglectful blogger.  Last time I updated you I was only 14 weeks along.  I will be 39 weeks tomorrow.  That is 25 weeks of neglecting.  I am sure sorry about that.  Here is a little update on our little bean.
 
First off, bean changed to beanA, when we found out we were having a little girl.  I have wanted my first to be both a boy and a girl for very different reasons.  It took me a little while to fully accept that we were actually having a girl, but once that happened I was so excited.  I have such a great relationship with my mom, and am excited that no matter what happens in our plans to have more children, I will get to raise a daughter.  To me that is a priceless gift.

This pregnancy is so completely different than I ever expected it to be.  I had no idea it would be so hard.  Each trimester brought on its own hardships.  Even thought I was beyond grateful for the gift I had been given to actually be pregnant, it was still hard, and I think it is ok that I felt that way.  I have a new respect for all pregnant women, infertile or not.  What a wonderful gift we give our children in bringing them into the world.


This pregnancy has also been full of fears.  You can put a baby inside a RPL patient, but you can't take the fears of loss out of the pregnant women.  I have been certain my entire pregnancy that something will happen to take this away from me.  I asked my Dr. to stitch me up for incompetent cervix.  I had nightmares she was going to be born with a heart defect and not be able to live outside the womb.  I am still scared every day that I will end up delivering her still born.  I just need to actually hold her in my arms so I can fully believe that all my dreaming a wishing is actually coming true.  I am sure a whole new kind of fear will come once she is out. 


I have to say that the medical care we chose for this journey was exactly what we needed.  If any of you are struggling with RPL, please check with MFM clinics to see if there is a RPL specialist.  They understand all the fears that come with those who have have dealt with loss.  There were times I was freaking out about a weird pain and they assured me everything was normal, but had me come in for an ultrasound just for my own sanity.  We have been spoiled with pictures of our little girl, but each on of those pictures gave me so much piece of mind. 


Even though I have been so neglectful, I have thought about this blog and the people I met through it often.  I read some heartbreaking stories, and stories that gave me hope.  I was filled with words of kindness when I was heartbroken, and advice when I was confused.  But the only way for me to get through this pregnancy without the guilt of success and even more fear it would be taken away was to take a step back and find different support to cling to.  For me it was my husband and my Dr.  Some may be able to continue to find it through blogging, but for me it was to hard to read of BFN, when I had a BFP.  Stories of utter heartbreak from more and more loss scared me to the core.  I had to act like a normal pregnant women without a care in the world.  It was the only way that worked best for me.


As my journey to baby number 1 is coming to an end (hopefully any day now), I feel the same way about this blog.  It has a very special place in my heart and is somewhere I know I can always come to find support and friendship.  I plan on updating once our little Beana joins our family, but then I plan on letting it rest until we try for baby 2.  I may check back to see how all of you are doing, but I don't want my new addition to add pain to anyone else. 


Thank you for the continued support, even though I was so neglectful.  I hope all of you find success in however you are trying!


XOXO,


Baby Hungry

MFM Appointment Wrap-Up

We had our follow up appointment with the MFM RPL Dr. (That is a lot of letters!! I feel like I am speaking in code...) on Tuesday afternoon.  I really really like him.  He is very good at letting you know what his professional opinion is, but is also very good at listening to you and letting you have an active voice in the plan. 

We started by talking about my negative workup and what that ment.  I told him that I was bummed that it didn't show anything and that there wasn't anything for us to fix.  He completely understood where I was coming from and helped me understand why a negative workup was a good thing.  The thing that ment the most to me though was the fact that even thought all my testing didn't show anything wrong, he still told me that something is.  He didn't just dismiss my miscarriages as random.  He just said that whatever is wrong isn't something we can detect, but that he strongly believes that I will go on to have a successful pregnancy.  He is all about putting the positive vibe out there and wants me to do the same. 

Then we talked about options.  He told me that in cases like mine the most common treatments are Heparin/Low Dose Aspirin or Progesterone.  There have been no studies done that give credibility to these two practices and he personally doesn't feel like they make a difference, but he is happy to try either if I feel like I want to.  There was a study published about 2 weeks ago that showed Heparin/Low Dose Aspirin doesn't change the outcome in MPL patients, so he feels like that would be a waste.  I was taking LDA with my last pregnancy, and it didn't work for me so I don't care to try it again.  I think I am going to go with the Progesterone option though.  In his eyes it might not make a difference, but what if it does?  I would rather be safe then sorry, and I feel like I need to do something different if I was a different outcome. 

We were given the go ahead to try again this coming cycle.  I am in the middle of taking my provera and so as soon as AF comes we are good to go.  I have been taking 50mg of Clomid on CD 5-9.  He wants me to try 25mg on CD 3-7.  His reasoning for wanting me to lower to does is so I have a lower chance of multiples.  I understand his consern, but if something isn't broken, don't fix it.  50mg has worked twice for me, so I don't want to mess with it.  We agreed that I would try 1 cycle on the 25mg, and if I don't get a positive ovulation then I am going back to my 50mg.  If and when I get prego, he will do weekly monitoring to make sure everything is going ok, and if it doesn't, we will be able to learn more.  

Overall, I feel excited to be at the beginning of the journey again.  I am hopeful that the 3rd time will be the charm.  I feel like I am in the right place with this Dr. and it has given me extra hope and peace. 

If you read this entire long and boring post you deserve a treat!  Go eat a cookie...the calories won't count!!

Cheering Myself Up

Welcome ICLWers. I am excited for the ICLW since it has been a few months since I participated. Here is a little blurb so you know what is up over here are Baby Hungry.

We got our first BFP on Clo mid in September 2009 after ttc since January 2008. Our dreams came crashing down when we miscarried in October. I was 6.5 weeks along. February 2010 brought another BFP, followed quickly by miscarriage #2 at 4.5 weeks. I am currently trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and get some answers to why my body doesn't want to stay pregnant. Clo mid was my magic potion for getting prego, now I just need to find the magic elixir to keep that pregnancy for 9 months. I am meeting with a multiple pregnancy loss maternal fetal medicine Dr. for the first time on Tuesday.

An update for my faithful readers: I have been working night and day on cheering myself up. I have successfully kept myself busy enough to keep the crying to a minimum. Either that, or I am just in denial. Either way, here is what I have been cheering myself up with...

• hosting a Valentines day brunch for my mom and sisters
• buying myself flowers, and getting roses from my DH
• girls night
• reading reading reading
• movie: Valentines day
• shopping
• pedicure
• road trip to find the sun...we found it and it still exists
• movie: When in Rome
• eating treats, lots of treats (I really need to stop that!)
• making an appointment with MFM Dr., I'm really excited to get some answers and come up with a plan.
• did I mention I have been eating lots of treats??

I am doing much better with this miscarriage then I did with the last one. I think much of that is because my heart was guarded with this pregnancy and I didn't give the whole thing to it for fear of it being smashed into a million pieces again. I hope I can feel safe enough to give my whole heart to this dream, but right now I am trying to protect it. I thank you all for your kind words. I could really feel the love and support from you all. I hope I can pay it forward to those in need.

PS...Today is my birthday. Go out and eat come cake to celebrate since it is my favorite food! I know I will be!

Life Update

I feel horrible. I am being such a terrible blogger. I am not reading and not writing. It is frustrating me because when I am actively blogging I feel so much better and not alone. I wanted to do ICLW to get me back into the swing of things, but I realized that I just missed it so I think I am just going to post 6 comments a day on my own.

Here is a little update of what is happening in BabyHungry life:

I am still jobless...I was working as a commercial interior designer, and seeing as that line of work is not recession proof, I could be here a while. I did have a great interview last week so maybe that one will work out. If only they would call me back!

I am busy getting my house in the Valentine's spirit. I don't know if it is because my birthday is in February, or if I am just a hopeless romantic, but V-Day is my favorite holiday and always has been. I love the treats, candy, colors, hearts...I think it is such a happy holiday, even if you don't have a boy to share it with. I will have to post pictures of how crafty I have been.

One of my goals for January was to lose as much weight as possible before I got prego. 8-10 pounds was my goal since I have a total of 18 pounds to get to my goal weight. I have currently lost 8 so far! I am proud of myself and that I was actually able to make my body do something. My miscarriage did a number (of pounds) on my weight, so it is nice to be rid of those painful pounds.

With my late ovulation on my last cycle, my Dr. told me to start my OPK on CD20. We BDed every other day as much as we could during the beginning of my cycle just in case, and are still trying to continue. Today is CD24 and I still don't have a positive. I really hope it comes soon because that much BDing is really taking a toll on our intimate relationship. I can't wait for the "chore" of it to all be gone.

I decided on a "token" to help me remember my little one. Thank you all for your suggestions. I was also send the best token from sweet sweet Jenn. I took pictures and can't wait to show you all. I just have to get them off my camera. I will try and do that tonight or tomorrow.

Well, if you survived this whole update, I am impressed. You deserve a treat! I promise to update with shorter more frequent posts. Hope everyone is doing well. I will get back to reading about each one of you!

Swallowing Hope

I picked up my prescription of Clo mid on CD1 and hung it on my fridge. When I walked past it for the next 5 days I made me excited just to look at it. There was all my Hope for the future in one tiny zip lock bag.

I awaited the day when I could finally take a piece of that Hope, swallow it with a tall glass of water, and let it fill my heart. Each day I took another pill and that hope grew and grew inside of me.

I have finished all my pills, but that empty zip lock with my name on it remains on the fridge. As I walk past it each day I am now reminded of the Hope that fills my heart to capacity.

I feel like I have a secret inside of me that I want to shout from the Mountain tops..."Hey everyone! Look at me! I am going to make a baby this month!"

I await the day when that Hope turns to happiness with a positive pregnancy test and then when that happiness turns to overwhelming joy with a baby in my arms.

For now, I will take the Hope. It is more then I could ask for.

CD1 - A little early, but perfect for my little plan!

I am quite experienced with Pro vera. I have been taking it for 1.5 years to force my periods. Every cycle is the same, I finish my 10 days of pills, and then wait about 10-12 days for good old CD1. This cycle was different. CD1 came on Tuesday, only 2 days after my last pill.

Who cares you might ask? I do, and for a very specific reason. Let me share.

10.10.09 was the worst day of my life. That was the day I spent curled up in my husband's on my mom's bed while all my hopes and dreams bled out of me.

10.10.10 is the day I would love to make the best day of my life. I want to spend it holding my husband's hand, in a hospital room, delivering the baby of my dreams.

This early cycle start gives that dream a fighting chance. I know that this exact day is a long shot, but I am trying to be much more positive this year and so this is the ONLY vibe I am sending out into the universe.

Baby on 10.10.10!